Saturday, 19 July 2008

"I'm fine, how are you?"

I wonder if you have ever been really desperate for something to happen?
I have known this so much in most of my adult life, a real desperation for a miracle to take place for me and for my husband. Sometimes I have been more desperate for a miracle for him than for me.
I wonder if you know what it is like for God to give and that moment when your heart soars and you are so thrilled and delighted and so grateful....
I wonder if you know what it is like for God to take away and that moment when the bottom seems to drop out from under your feet........
I wonder if you know what it is like to place expectations on yourself of how you should be and then realise that what you have expected is beyond what it should be? I wonder if you have then realised that but not been able to be free from those expectations?
I wonder if you have felt hollow and alone and unable to break through?
I wonder if you have ever considered where you have been, where you are now and what the future looks like and felt completely overwhelmed?
I wonder if sometimes we do feel so trapped that we don't share with people and actually we feel the same way but cannot break through.....
Yesterday a friend of mine asked me in a an e-mail the question 'How are you doing?'
It is a phrase that generally I will answer 'fine, how are you?' or some non-descript reply but I realised that the person asking me wasn't asking merely to get a 'pat' answer. They were asking because they wanted the truth! I wasn't actually sure how to respond - I couldn't say fine because recently things have been tough going, I couldn't say 'I'm fine' because they knew me too well to accept that. As I sat at my keyboard I found myself typing "That's a hard one to answer at the moment but I am so glad that I have a faithful God who will not let me down."

My friend responded quickly saying that actually that was a good place to be. It got me thinking!!! - With all the struggles of life if we just realise how faithful our God is - that He isn't a God of mood swings or change - that He is the same, yesterday, today and forever - that His very nature is consistent then for that moment it puts everything we face into perspective!
Even in the last 24 hours there have been battles, struggles and discouragements - everything seems to pile in but last night I committed in the car on the way to a meeting to put God in the centre, to let Him be my focus, to have all my concentration, to have my focus - to begin with I thought that the evening was going to be terrible, but you know what happened - just in praising the God who 'gives and takes away' just praising my faithful God who will never let me down - just realising afresh that He cares about all the baggage, stresses, cares, He cares about all the details, He cares about the midnight hour, He cares about the discouragements, He cares about the knock-backs, He cares about they way others treat me, He cares about the longings and desperation's of my heart........ doesn't mean to say that I don't hurt - no way! I have spent the last week battling to subdue tears, battling to put on a mask of ok-ness - believe me it still hurts but I have to come afresh with all my brokenness and praise Him in the storm with all the stuff that continues to be so tough! As the Casting Crowns song says that 'you are who you are no matter where I am' - it is an awesome song that gives the challenge to praise in the storm anyway and even when it is hard to find Him because of the darkness and the rain and the thunder - anyway here is the song to bless you whether you are in the sunshine of blessing or the battle of the storm............

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