Life, healing, moving forward

It has been a few weeks since our car accident, there have been some tough days over the last few weeks - some dark days of feeling useless and frustration that my body didn't do what my head wanted it to!
Last week I continued to get pains down my arms and to lift my hands in worship was just either impossible or so painful that my focus was quickly removed from God so in times of worshipped they hovered as low as possible and I was desperate for God to act!
On Sunday morning last week I went to Church and had already said to my husband I must get some prayer about this pain - being dependent for weeks on any painkillers I could get hold of and a muscle relaxant meant that when the tablets wore off I returned to pain. So Sunday morning after the service my pastor, my husband and a lady from the Church prayed for me - I left the Church being able to lift my hands above my head and returned home feeling like I had a new neck and back. This week I have felt 'twingy' on and off and this morning I managed 3 hours in the office - am hoping for a few more tomorrow! But I know that since they prayed on Sunday I haven't taken one single tablet and all I can say is that God has made a difference to this healing process.

Yesterday the new car arrived and at last I feel like I can move onwards and upwards knowing that even if there are bumps in the road nothing is too big for my God to handle!

Photos

OK just for Lydia after her comment on my facebook wall I have changed the profile picture but the only other pictures of me are with family - so this is what I look like with a niece and at work!! Ha! Ha! Obviously in my defence Facebook is much easier for photos than blogspot!

How quickly your day can change!

On Friday we were travelling North to see my family and to celebrate with my Nan as she is 90 on Monday - Friday night we were to have a family meal early in the evening and Saturday saw a social gathering where 90-100 people showed up to wish her a happy birthday. All in all a good time was in store - my Nan is a wonderful woman who was saved and baptised at 83 and whose baptismal service is so memorable!

Anyway back to Friday! We had decided the M25 would be a good route but when we found most of it stationary we headed off and I did my map reading through the countryside so that we kept moving. Out for a meal at 6 and knowing that I really wanted a shower and to iron my husbands shirt before we went out plus bad traffic made us eager to get there! We came to a junction on a road - the car two in front stopped to turn right, the van in front of us stopped, we stopped but the van behind us didn't and without warning suddenly my day changed. The impact flung us forward, the bar under my chair went into my ankle, the van behind embedded into the back of our car. It wasn't a fair fight - he was bigger, he was moving......

When we arrived at my Mum's I said to her that I could not believe how quickly our day had changed - one moment all was well the next I was just grateful that other vehicles, signposts, ditches had all been avoided, grateful that I was alive and so was my husband - sounds melo-dramatic but it's true!

Malcolm is running an Alpha Course at the moment at the Church with a wonderful team of people - we always wonder at the beginningof the course what is going to happen - usually something happens that disruptes our lives, takes our attention or seems to take us out of action - but this is an all time classic doing all at once! Our car will probably be written off - time will be needed to deal with insurance and organise courtesy cars while it is looked at, both us have whiplash and sleep doesn't come comfortably, we need to look into getting a new car and this will take time and money - everything changed in those few seconds. I know that God is bigger than all of this - when we purchased our car which came out a huge blessing from someone the guy in the garage described what we needed as a 'miracle car' and on Friday it lived up to its name and miraculously we were not hurt more than we were. My husband tells me it is though God had said 'so far but no further' to the enemy. God had His hand of protection upon us of that I remain convinced!

Jesus went that far for me.......

Ever been locked out?
This morning we shut the door to our house, looked at one another and realised that between us we had a car key but no house key - I rummaged through my bag desperate to find the house keys to no avail. Fortunately we have had some work done on our bathroom and we knew that we could get a key from our builder - but not until several hours later!
What was strange is that we still owned the property, it still belonged to us but for those hours we couldn't get access! It felt weird - we didn't need to go home as we were at work but if we had of needed to or wanted to we couldn't!
Sometimes I feel like that with my relationship with God - He is there, I still belong to Him, there is no question that He is Lord of my life but I feel like I am 'locked out' unable to break through and enter in to all the things that He has for me.
This week I have been reading more sermons by Smith Wigglesworth and he really is straight down the line - he calls a spade, a spade but I can't quite grasp that if the Bible says things then why doesn't God seem to do what we think His word is saying, why is it that at times I feel locked out - like the blessing is not for me.

This afternoon my husband and I sat and watched two DVD sessions by Louie Giglio on Hope and where is God when life hurts the most - I would recommend anyone to get them but warn you to watch with a tissue box near at hand - I did cry and so did my husband! Louie pointed out that Jesus said we will have trouble in this lifetime - and we do but he went on to point out that when the depths are at their deepest to look at the cross - he explained that when you look at the cross even if everything is falling apart you will realise afresh that Jesus died for you because He loves you....... tonight at the music practice we sang a song that has a line 'I stand forgiven at the cross.' It was hard not to weep all over again - He went to those lengths for you and for me and even though life is tough, even though this week has been an exhausting struggle, even though I have felt really low - noone can alter the fact that He loves me (even when it is hard to feel it!) indeed He went that far, to the cross for me!

The Rollercoaster

A couple of blogs ago I said about the stained glass masquerade, last blog was Louie Giglio in his ever-encouraging style. If there is one thing I have noticed since I started blogging was how either 'up or down' my blogs tend to be. There have been awesome encounters with God, followed by crashing lows. I am just wondering if anyone has worked out how to change the rollercoaster into something more like a train or a tram - a steady even route with no major dips or highs!??!?

I have sat here tonight pondering things - all sorts of things - how can I change this, how can I share this load, this heartache, how can I let the lid of this can without the contents spurting out, hurting others, myself and actually not being helpful.

I look at my circle of people I trust and it has grown smaller over years - and now I feel like sharing is just too risky - better to keep up the masquerade - but is that healthy or helpful? I just wonder.............

Timely encouragement

This is 8 minutes long but worth every moment for the encouragement........

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

One of my favourite groups are Casting Crowns - I love their honest lyrics and the music. Over these last few weeks when so much has been going on I have been maintaining the mask of everything is ok and this song has been repeatedly in my mind. For those who are unfamiliar of the song here it is -

I have highlighted a few of the phrases that have been so true for me in the lyrics below - I wonder if I am the only one that finds Church one of the hardest places to be really open...........


Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

"Stained Glass Masquerade" Words and Music by Mark Hall and Nichole Nordeman Performed by Casting Crowns