Anyone who read my previous post will know that the last few weeks have been frequented by tears. Those that have known me for many years will know that tears have often come. Scripture says that 'weeping will remain for a night but joy comes in the morning' - sometimes the night can be a long one and for me it is extremely long. I think I do pretty well at hiding the fact that so often I am near to tears. I rally myself, put all my efforts into a brave face and just tackle whatever the situation demands. I may fall apart when I am on my own, with my husband or in the shower but I will have gotten through the situation of that day.
This morning someone asked me something at Church after the morning service, I thought I could handle responding to them but alas I couldn't and didn't. I left Church with my head down through an exit that required seeing noone. I cried all the way home, I saw tears fall on my lasagna at lunch time! I spent the afternoon calming down, but the dilemma came for the evening service - groan - if I didn't go the person that asked me the question would feel that they had really upset me, but if I did go and someone spoke to me I knew that I was too close to tears. My hurt and pain may be deep down but at the moment it seems to be 'surface-mounted!' I hate to cry in public - the very thought of it turns my stomach, I don't want people to see that I am not coping. Public tears in a church setting can either be met with gracious loving people or a critical eye cast over your life. Very often the very thing that sparks the tears is not actually dealt with and you can leave that meeting feeling more depressed and just wanting to sob your heart out.
Years ago I remember someone praying for me and it was a painful area that they were praying about and I was weeping and then they switched suddenly for praying for God to stop the tears and fill me with His peace. It left me confused and my thinking was very much along the lines of 'yes it is ok to cry...BUT only with certain conditions and situations attached.' I wonder if the Church in 2009 is prepared to deal with the tears of the broken-hearted, those that face heartache on a daily basis!?!?
The more I hear about God being a God of grace the more confused I seem to get! If God is full of grace and He wishes to meet us in our need then why do we still hurt? If He does not require us to do certain things to obtain His blessing then why does He not bless? If He is loving to the depth and height that we read about how does He not seem to see the heartache of His precious children. Equating grace when looking at loss, heartache, tears is near impossible - yet something else that I need to add to my list when learning about grace.................