A week of tears

This has been a week of tears for me in fact today I feel quite 'cried out' (although I have cried as I have typed this!!!). Last Sunday was an awesome day of worship, teaching and Holy Spirit encounters for various people in our Church. In the morning one of our elders, Ken, preached - it was an anointed word that was delivered with fire and obvious Holy Spirit anointing. A few things struck me from what Ken said as he spoke about the longing that we should have for more of God, as He spoke about faith even as a grain of mustard seed being enough and the call of 'Lord I believe, now help my unbelief.' A cry that has been much on my heart for the last 13-14 years (no joke!) but yet I still struggle with stirring up enough faith to believe God for specifics in relation to me - I have faith for other people, other situations, etc etc but bring it to a personal level and my faith shrinks to the size of that tiny mustard seed and I have to stir myself to pray "I believe you Lord, now help my unbelief." One of the phrases that hit me as Ken preached was "The kind of people God uses, are just the kind of people that the World says are useless." I know what it is like to feel completely useless, to not fulfill what I think I should and total inability to alter that!

On Sunday evening again another anointed sermon but this time the speaker was my pastor, Peter, he spoke from Mal 1v6-14. Stirring us not to bring God our left-overs, getting us to take a look at our view of God, looking at God's view of blemished sacrifices and the transforming power of God. I have to say that much of what Peter preached on was hard hitting, poignant stuff. I cannot do the sermon justice and would not dare to try to. As he preached I felt more and more unwell almost faint and had to just get some air for a moment or two - the thing is some of what he spoke on hit the core of things for me. The whole area of praying and faith and viewing God as a the God of grace that He is...... there are certain situations that my husband and I face on a day by day basis and to understand God as a God of grace in light of those situations is mind-blowing. It is so hard to try and grasp God as a generous, loving, grace abounding God when a situation that you are in is seemingly impossible and one that God, although as a God of grace who gives what we do not deserve, witholds despite the pain that it brings, the questions that is raises and the heartache that it installs. 'Hope deffered makes the heart sick' scripture tells us but when a God of grace could stop the hope deferring and chooses not to - where does that leave us? This is where the rubber hits the road isn't it? When we trust and have faith in a living awesome God and yet we don't see what we long for, pray for, hope for, yearn for. Sunday night I sobbed my heart out with my husband, I do not understand, Monday night the tears flowed again, Tuesday night I was so tearful I stayed away from people. Every day I get up put my 'I'm ok' mask on and plough my efforts into having a good day at work - doing my job well and having a laugh with my awesome colleagues but when I get home realities hit home. This week my husband has had to pick up the pieces, pass the tissues and sometimes just leave me alone to cry it through. It has been a tough road and yet again I try to work out God's Father heart, sovereign power and awesome grace when the pain is deep and the tears so real. I am so grateful for a husband who stands with me in the realities of day by day heartache and so very many disappointments.

Recently I purchased a new CD 'A New Hallelujah' by Michael W Smith - I can't recommend it enough - I have nearly worn out our copy already! It gets played daily in our house and even today has been blasting as I type! There are some awesome songs on the album - but there is one that Michael W Smith talks before he starts to sing and I have managed to find the exact thing on youtube - so if you are finding life a struggle as I have done recently - play this and let hope rise that help is on the way, that He will never leave you or forsake you, He sees your tears and that His arm is long enough to reach you where you are................