This morning I have been playing the old song 'This is The Air I Breathe' on repeat. The chorus cries out 'I'm desperate for you' I'll be blunt and honest. This week has been tough. After a Monday morning hospital appointment ended with multiple waiting rooms in front of numerous clinicians, surgeons, consultants, nursing staff and anaesthetists culminating in an emergency operation.
It wasn't the day or week I anticipated and I have had a week of recovery, pain, unable to settle or be comfortable, painful tears. loneliness, an ache, a void that suddenly what I had hoped for this week and this month evaporated before my eyes, Projects at work halted abruptly, Life switched in that day everything changed. I sit here now close to tears - pain surrounds on so many levels and both my husband and I have prayed and asked God to move and relieve and yet the pain still stands. The tears still painfully roll down my cheeks and I sit here listening to this song with a desperation for God - to come, to move, to touch, to heal, to restore, for those undeniable encounters with Him that are like a cool drink on a burning hot day, that come with a freshness and intense appreciation that nothing else compares to! His touch is amazing -His presence like sweetness to my heart, my Soul, my core.
Then I think about the pushing through to encounter Him even though its hard, even though it is painful and I am awestruck again by the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8:43-48 and the courageous, bold tenacity she had to push through to touch His garment - despite what society dictated, despite her physical weakness, despite her lowly state, despite her mental health, despite what others thought, despite everything she pushed through. She was desperate - that desperate - she knew no one else would do - nothing else would suffice - she just needed Jesus in that moment.
I want to be a woman like that - one who knows her answer is in Jesus alone, desperate for Him - that will pursue Him despite...... despite society, despite what others say or think, despite my health situation, despite how I feel, despite where I am in my head, despite my mental health - the courage, tenacity and brazen boldness to literally pursue Him no matter what - to cry broken at His feet but to outstretch my hand through the pain just for a tiny touch, a tiny encounter with Him. I am desperate on so many levels - desperate for Him, for His touch, for His presence, for His peace, for His healing, for His reassurance, for Him to whisper afresh 'I've got you in this' to hear His voice - that desperation for Him!
