This year has been strangely harder for us than other sad-a-versary times. I have my own theories as to why but it has been a ridiculously hard couple of months. There have been many private tears and (much to my embarrassment) many public tears. Those who have known me over a long time will know that generally I attempt not to cry in front of people. However sometimes the 'attempts' fail as I can't hold the tears in. The last couple of months appear to have been one where my pride has been taken out on this. I have wept with trusted friends, cried through sermons (not because they were bad! Lol!) and tears have rolled down my face during worship. We got to the point at home that all the tissues in the house were gone and even the kitchen roll was used up!
I am not sure it is helpful to state all the reasons why I think this year has been so much harder than previous years but as Malcolm and I have talked about the tears or just had a hug I have realised afresh how blessed I am that we walk each day together. The honesty of telling him that I couldn't hold the tears in and his reassurance that it is ok and of his love. Recently a friend and her husband prayed with us; it was a precious time. A few days later I realised that I had wept on and off since that time. I messaged my friend and told her and her reply had a depth of wisdom that Malcolm and I found so helpful. She said this "Tears release the deep pain, I see them like Father's gift to help us let go of the stuff that hurts xx".
My tears, which had been embarrassing, suddenly took on a different thing. They became a gift to let out stuff that I have held so tightly in recent years, almost fearing to show the reality of a deep pain that remains one we carry daily; despite trusting and walking with God. It may be a seeming paradox- in fact I live it and yet don't quite understand it myself! The deep pain of grief, disappointment, loss, of hope being scarey etc etc and yet at the same time a trust in a faithful God, a grateful heart of how He has brought us through and a love for God that some can't compute in light of our experience. These two seeming extremes of grief / pain and trust / love seem to dovetail into our daily experience - they merge in what seems to be an odd combination. So through the tears of the last few months; I have begun a new journey of trusting God in my tears. I may still struggle that folks may see that real side of my ache but perhaps just perhaps my gift of tears this past few months may bring a new release of the ache. Warren Wiersbe said something along the lines of God can heal a broken heart when all the pieces are given to Him. Psalms tell us that God stores our tears in His bottle, Psalms talk about the Valley of Baca (the place of weeping or tears). May my tears be a heartfelt offering of my life, my worship, my love, my trust, my desires - tears - God take my tears and use them! May my tears have a fragrance of a sacrifice of worship. May my tears be used for whatever He wants to do...... healing for my pain, ministering to others in pain, a sacrifice of worship - that I will praise despite..... and so today I catch myself saying a brand new prayer:
May God use my tears for His glory!
Sunday, 26 February 2017
Wednesday, 1 February 2017
The Potential for Transformation
Yesterday I collected a second hand cabinet I purchased off of a website. The person selling it was getting rid of it. I imagine they thought it was of no use and just old. They just wanted to discard it.
But me - well I looked at it on the website and I saw potential. I saw alterations that could be made to transform it, I saw how useful it could be, I saw how good it could be, I loved it; I wanted it! So I spent the money and brought it investing in to a cabinet that I felt had potential to be a really nice feature in our home. There is an excitement rising as I think about the changes that I will make to it. I am looking forward to the process as well as the end result.
Today I walked past the cabinet. It almost looked sad and tired. It got me thinking about how God looks at people and sees past the present state of things, how they look etc......He sees the potential. He sees the transformations that can be made, He sees how good someone can be with His Holy Spirit working in them, He loves the person already (prior to any changes!). He wants that person. Get this - He has excitement rising as He thinks about all that He has planned and will do in and through a person.
This then got me thinking about areas of my life that perhaps I feel are useless, just need discarding or can't be used, things that may seem hopeless .......... Today I learnt to start seeing the potential for transformation when God's Holy Spirit gets hold of an area. My encouragement to readers of this blog today is take a moment and just think that we have a God who not only sees the potential for transformation, is in the business of transformation, gets excited about transformation but He is the ultimate expert in transformation of people, situations, feelings, circumstances......whatever it is ..... trust Him for the transformation!
Monday, 16 January 2017
Despites and yetis!
It is the early hours of the morning; the world sleeps, all is silent and yet in the midst of the night hour the tears fall. 6 years ago today was to be the day that I would tell my parents that we were expecting; the plan was to go to church and then drive up to have lunch with my folks. I remember the day so clearly. Here I am 6 years on knowing that day was one of the worst of my life. I walked into church expectant, excited and looking forward.....I left church worried, anxious and headed to hospital. My plans for the day thwarted. I remember walking into hospital and being asked simply what was wrong. The hospital allocated which desk you check in at dependent on the severity of what was wrong. I was handed a note for the most severe end of the reception booths and seen within moments. I hardly sat down before I was seen and then ushered to a bay in A&E.
The memories of that day seem etched into me, the days after where more medical things happened which left me bound to the first floor of our home to be near both bed and bathroom. It was tough to live through and tough to look back on. The year that followed was so dark, I look back and think I survived rather than lived that year. A shell of a person, my head vacant and yet consumed with grief at the same time.
I sit here in the early hours of the morning reflecting on what happened but hand in hand with gratefulness to a faithful God. The last few weeks have been tough; memories how twice in our lifetime early January has been full of expectation, morning sickness and ginger nut biscuits! Yet here we are 21 years married, two confirmed pregnancies and no kids....... And this is where the rubber hits the road...... Do I chose to live in a 'what if' environment, do I live with a comparison mentality, do I handle the fact that sometimes life just sucks with bitterness, acceptance or something else!?
'Despite' and 'yet' have become special words for me. I can't alter what has happened in our lives; the loss, the disappointment but I have to learn how to handle this in order to live each day. There is no easy way. The other Sunday I felt slammed by a phrase written down in front of me regarding disappointment; the tears rolled despite my desperate attempts to keep the 'I am ok face' up; it didn't work...... The tears came thick and fast - how do you handle disappointment when every single day you live with the consequences and impact of that disappointment? I don't have the answers BUT I really want to download what I do know. Your situation may be different to mine, your disappointment may be different, your 'life just sucks sometimes' moment may be poles apart from mine but perhaps, just perhaps, this may help.......
1. Yeti number one! Praising God anyway. Habbakkuk 3 v 17-18 sees the author write about the lack, the disappointment, the situation and then declare the 'yet' - I often say in my head have a 'yeti moment!' The 'Yet I' will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour.'
2. Don't leave it at the door! What do I mean? I will try to explain- don't put your stuff down at the entrance to the place of worship just to pick it up again on your way out. It isn't easy to do but somehow it is learning to stand (or huddle in a heap on the floor!) in worship with the pain, disappointment, tears and all the rest of it rather than leaving it elsewhere. When life sucks worship becomes a choice - it is saying with the Psalmist 'I WILL seek your Face Lord' (Ps 27:8). There have been times when the situation is in front of me and rather than leave it at the door to collect my baggage on the way out I have actually had to step into all the stuff and praise God anyway. At this point I discovered that it is possible to bring a sacrifice of praise in 2017! Sacrifices of worship have not become extinct! I can tell you those moments when the sacrifice of praise has been the hardest I have felt like it was a sweet aroma and despite being tough initially as I have pushed through, looked up and praised then God has really blessed me. Nothing new here - look at the woman with the issue of blood (Luke 8) she pushed through (quite literally) and as a result of her faith, tenacity and taking the situation with her to Jesus she knew His touch and His blessing! Believe me when I say if you enter the place of worship leaving all the trouble and difficulty at the door then you will only pick it up on your way out. There is no 'baggage claim' area here - take it with you, take your burdens into His presence, let your sacrifice of worship be sweet and let Him take those burdens. Remember His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt 11:30)
3. Despite. Praising despite is powerful. Praising in spite of your situation moves the focus from your situation to the God you are praising! Worship is for Him and about Him.
4. Don't worry about it not being all sorted. What do I mean? Well Psalm 40 talks of being lifted from the miry pit and our feet being set on a rock. Sometimes some of the miry pit is still on our feet (see my other blog post for more on this) - it is ok. God knows - Scripture doesn't say that He set my feet upon and rock and everything is then perfect. Nope it says that He set my feet upon a rock and gave me a new song to sing. What we learn in the pit changes the song that we sing. Honestly if I hadn't have been through pain, loss, disappointment, depression my song would not have been the same....... I have seen what it is to meet God in the depths and have it change me.
5. God doesn't alter. One of the wonderful truths that is very deeply precious to me is that God doesn't alter, shift or change. He is not moody. He doesn't get weary. I don't wake up wondering what sort of temperament He is in today, whether He is going to be happy with me or if He is in a good mood. He is steadfast, true, unchanging in His love and faithfulness. He is totally consistent and constant. Let Hebrews 13:8 become deeply precious to you; never let go of this fact - don't give doubt a millimetre. Hold on to this truth with both hands and don't let it go! It will see you through the darkest of days.
6. On the worst of days when you can't see a way through hit the 'Yeti' of Lamentations 3v21-24 where the author despite the previous 20 verses of 'worst dayness' declares 'Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."' The Yet I call to mind is so valuable in the tough moments. If you are feeling like you are hitting rock bottom then I encourage you to read this passage in The Message version - it helped me no end!
7. God turns things around! From the opening of this blog you can tell that the realisation things weren't right happened at church six years ago. There is no easy way to tell you in that morning the very place of God encounters became a place marked with loss. Yesterday, 6 years later, I walked into church feeling broken, worn down and empty. Yesterday for me to praise was a choice, I had to make myself raise my hands, I had to encourage myself to look up, I had to tell myself that God was worthy of my praise despite how I felt. It was hard work to start with - distractions a plenty, mind wandering, focus dithering and then it got easier as the words pierced my head and my heart with wonderful truths that made the distractions fade into the background in the light of what God has done for me. At the end of the service I turned to Malcolm and said '6 years ago I walked into church expectant and left empty and anxious; today I walked into church empty and anxious and leave full.' Both of us teared up - the truth of that is a stark one for us but God blessed us yesterday in worship and through the word. The preacher had mentioned the phrase 'whatever the Lord says to do' as Mary had said to the servants when Jesus turned water into wine. In the middle of the night in 2004 - 13 years ago now - Malcolm and I got in the car to go to hospital knowing that my pregnancy was not going right and I turned to Malcolm and said 'whatever Lord.' It has been a prayer we prayed in the worst of times and one that we have prayed knowing that He won't let us down. To be reminded of that prayer at this time of year astounds me. God used that sermon yesterday to minister afresh to us.
8. Choose truth. This is another yeti which I have had to take hold of and whilst not word for word in Scripture the principles are there. Some folks don't get that we can still love God and still worship Him despite what has happened (and that is ok that they don't get it; it really is our personal journey). However one thing that I have heard repeatedly is that what we have been through is a punishment from God. The truth is this - God authored salvation, Jesus died on the cross, He took all of our sin, Jesus cried out on the cross 'It is finished' just before He died - He didn't cry out 'It is partly done' or 'it is nearly finished'. No! The work of Jesus is 100% complete. The debt is paid in full. God is a Just God! He is a God of Justice. Therefore He cannot punish the same sin twice. The Yet I here is to choose to remind yourself of the truth and not listen to the niggly lies that can be seeded.
So we begin our sad-a-versary knowing this anniversary is littered with precious moments from God along the way. We will cry today. We will laugh today. We will struggle today. We will rejoice in being together today. The 'despites' and the 'yetis' help us to lift a sacrifice of worship today. And we lay hold of truth that He is a good Father, a Just God, the faithful One - He won't let us down, He is not in the business of abandonment, He is faithful, true, loving and worthy - Indeed whatever the 'life sucks' moment is for you - hold on to Him, even when your grip feels like it is just the tiniest tip of your fingers hold on to Him because for sure He is holding on to you, He won't let you go! I end this blog post calling to mind and therefore I have hope; His mercies are new this morning. Great is His faithfulness therefore I WILL wait for Him and while I wait I will be caught praising despite it all......
5. God doesn't alter. One of the wonderful truths that is very deeply precious to me is that God doesn't alter, shift or change. He is not moody. He doesn't get weary. I don't wake up wondering what sort of temperament He is in today, whether He is going to be happy with me or if He is in a good mood. He is steadfast, true, unchanging in His love and faithfulness. He is totally consistent and constant. Let Hebrews 13:8 become deeply precious to you; never let go of this fact - don't give doubt a millimetre. Hold on to this truth with both hands and don't let it go! It will see you through the darkest of days.
6. On the worst of days when you can't see a way through hit the 'Yeti' of Lamentations 3v21-24 where the author despite the previous 20 verses of 'worst dayness' declares 'Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."' The Yet I call to mind is so valuable in the tough moments. If you are feeling like you are hitting rock bottom then I encourage you to read this passage in The Message version - it helped me no end!
7. God turns things around! From the opening of this blog you can tell that the realisation things weren't right happened at church six years ago. There is no easy way to tell you in that morning the very place of God encounters became a place marked with loss. Yesterday, 6 years later, I walked into church feeling broken, worn down and empty. Yesterday for me to praise was a choice, I had to make myself raise my hands, I had to encourage myself to look up, I had to tell myself that God was worthy of my praise despite how I felt. It was hard work to start with - distractions a plenty, mind wandering, focus dithering and then it got easier as the words pierced my head and my heart with wonderful truths that made the distractions fade into the background in the light of what God has done for me. At the end of the service I turned to Malcolm and said '6 years ago I walked into church expectant and left empty and anxious; today I walked into church empty and anxious and leave full.' Both of us teared up - the truth of that is a stark one for us but God blessed us yesterday in worship and through the word. The preacher had mentioned the phrase 'whatever the Lord says to do' as Mary had said to the servants when Jesus turned water into wine. In the middle of the night in 2004 - 13 years ago now - Malcolm and I got in the car to go to hospital knowing that my pregnancy was not going right and I turned to Malcolm and said 'whatever Lord.' It has been a prayer we prayed in the worst of times and one that we have prayed knowing that He won't let us down. To be reminded of that prayer at this time of year astounds me. God used that sermon yesterday to minister afresh to us.
8. Choose truth. This is another yeti which I have had to take hold of and whilst not word for word in Scripture the principles are there. Some folks don't get that we can still love God and still worship Him despite what has happened (and that is ok that they don't get it; it really is our personal journey). However one thing that I have heard repeatedly is that what we have been through is a punishment from God. The truth is this - God authored salvation, Jesus died on the cross, He took all of our sin, Jesus cried out on the cross 'It is finished' just before He died - He didn't cry out 'It is partly done' or 'it is nearly finished'. No! The work of Jesus is 100% complete. The debt is paid in full. God is a Just God! He is a God of Justice. Therefore He cannot punish the same sin twice. The Yet I here is to choose to remind yourself of the truth and not listen to the niggly lies that can be seeded.
So we begin our sad-a-versary knowing this anniversary is littered with precious moments from God along the way. We will cry today. We will laugh today. We will struggle today. We will rejoice in being together today. The 'despites' and the 'yetis' help us to lift a sacrifice of worship today. And we lay hold of truth that He is a good Father, a Just God, the faithful One - He won't let us down, He is not in the business of abandonment, He is faithful, true, loving and worthy - Indeed whatever the 'life sucks' moment is for you - hold on to Him, even when your grip feels like it is just the tiniest tip of your fingers hold on to Him because for sure He is holding on to you, He won't let you go! I end this blog post calling to mind and therefore I have hope; His mercies are new this morning. Great is His faithfulness therefore I WILL wait for Him and while I wait I will be caught praising despite it all......
Saturday, 31 December 2016
New Year Freedom Cry
As 2016 draws to a close and I reflect on the disappointments, grief, worries, joys, precious moments of 2016; my mind starts to shift to looking forward.
In 2016 I lost a dear friend who consistently encouraged me to live in freedom, in grace, to enjoy God and to enjoy being loved by God! Every time we met we seemed to compare our journeys from the default of law into the fullness of God's grace. We often compared struggles, disappointments, joys and sorrows. He would often talk of that moment in that famous film when Mel Gibson complete with war paint would cry 'FREEDOM' - this is my cry as I enter 2017. In the past I have made new year's resolutions only to feel that I then began the year with a weight on my shoulders and anticipation of messing up! My verse for the start of 2017 has been on repeat in my head over this last week - it is Galatians 5:1 and it says this:-
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
I don't want to put myself under a yoke of expectations, goals, desires etc as I enter 2017. Of course there are things I would love to see happen but you know this year my resolution is simply three words 'Freedom in Christ' - He did it all that I may be free, that I may have life and have it to the full. All my concerns, desires, disappointments, delights, struggles, griefs, joys, sorrows and tears I simply lay at His feet at the outset of the year. For freedom Christ has set me free!
In 2016 I lost a dear friend who consistently encouraged me to live in freedom, in grace, to enjoy God and to enjoy being loved by God! Every time we met we seemed to compare our journeys from the default of law into the fullness of God's grace. We often compared struggles, disappointments, joys and sorrows. He would often talk of that moment in that famous film when Mel Gibson complete with war paint would cry 'FREEDOM' - this is my cry as I enter 2017. In the past I have made new year's resolutions only to feel that I then began the year with a weight on my shoulders and anticipation of messing up! My verse for the start of 2017 has been on repeat in my head over this last week - it is Galatians 5:1 and it says this:-
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
I don't want to put myself under a yoke of expectations, goals, desires etc as I enter 2017. Of course there are things I would love to see happen but you know this year my resolution is simply three words 'Freedom in Christ' - He did it all that I may be free, that I may have life and have it to the full. All my concerns, desires, disappointments, delights, struggles, griefs, joys, sorrows and tears I simply lay at His feet at the outset of the year. For freedom Christ has set me free!
Monday, 21 November 2016
Yo-Yo days
This morning on my way to work I found myself reflecting on the last month or so. It has been a strange season for me on so many levels. There have been highs, lows, unsettling days and days where I have felt quite stretched. I found myself comparing the last weeks to that of a yo-yo! Days where I have felt close to God, happy, safe and secure....... Other days I have felt stretched, out on a limb, scared, concerned, low, tearful. I thought about how a yo-yo moves - sometimes being held in the hand other times close to the hand and other times at full stretch, feeling distant, at the end of the rope - quite literally!
As I thought about this I realised something quite special. No matter where the yo-yo is - close to the hand or at full stretch it is held securely; the hand holds it, the hand can bring it close, the hand can help when it feels in a mess. It is like this with God - whether we are at full stretch, close, down, up, feeling messed up, feeling secure or out on a limb - He won't let you go. He holds you. He has the ability to bring you close, to reassure you, so no matter where you are as you read this remember His Father's hand is strong, constant and reliable! God bless!
Saturday, 15 October 2016
Mud doesn't just fall off!
This week I struggled with some stuff. It was tough. I battled. I cried. I talked to Malcolm. As we talked I was saying how I didn't quite understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling; after all I know that God lifted me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock, and gave me a new song to sing (Psalm 40). As we talked Malcolm reminded me that the pit in Psalm 40 is a slimy pit, full of mud and mire. He went on to ask me the last time I went for a walk in a muddy area did I return home with clean boots?
It was a precious revelation to me.....yes God has lifted me, He has done wonderful things in my life but some of the things that were in the pit still affect me. Miry means very muddy / boggy. Slimy - covered in sludge, muck, mire, a thick and slippery substance. I may be standing on the rock but some of those things mean I am not 100% sorted; I still struggle; I still battle; life is still hard........ BUT God is with me on the rock He won't fail, He won't leave me, He won't knock me back into the pit. So even when life is hard there is no need to condemn myself for not being in a better place....... There is still work to be done in cleaning me up after that pit, it was a deep pit, it was a hard place to be, it left marks on me, it even left wounds where I tried (unsuccessfully) to get myself out of the pit. But God lifted me out - He was the one that stooped down with love and grace and picked me out of that place and then put me on the rock, the firm place. He sees the marks and He cares. He knows I need time and He understands where I am at. There is NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Praise the Lord!
It was a precious revelation to me.....yes God has lifted me, He has done wonderful things in my life but some of the things that were in the pit still affect me. Miry means very muddy / boggy. Slimy - covered in sludge, muck, mire, a thick and slippery substance. I may be standing on the rock but some of those things mean I am not 100% sorted; I still struggle; I still battle; life is still hard........ BUT God is with me on the rock He won't fail, He won't leave me, He won't knock me back into the pit. So even when life is hard there is no need to condemn myself for not being in a better place....... There is still work to be done in cleaning me up after that pit, it was a deep pit, it was a hard place to be, it left marks on me, it even left wounds where I tried (unsuccessfully) to get myself out of the pit. But God lifted me out - He was the one that stooped down with love and grace and picked me out of that place and then put me on the rock, the firm place. He sees the marks and He cares. He knows I need time and He understands where I am at. There is NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Praise the Lord!
Wednesday, 21 September 2016
Love your spouse challenge
So earlier this week I was tagged in the 'love your spouse' challenge. This is where you are challenged to post photos of yourself and your spouse for 7 days on Facebook and to also tag a friend each day asking them to do the same thing to celebrate love and marriage.
It is mid-way through this challenge that I pause. I have to stop and reflect - all the pictures of me with my husband are taken at special time; on holiday, celebrations, Christmas, wedding, beautiful views, happy times - there are no pictures of us weeping together, on our knees together, when life has hurt the most we haven't pulled out the camera and said 'wahoo let's take a selfie!' Social media can be a biased commodity of showing the best of life and not always the tough stuff! The pictures we take are amidst celebration and happiness.
But here is the thing that gets me - because we have been through painful times together, because we have wept together, been on our knees together, hurt together, grieved together; we are still together. Do you get my heart? Celebrating love and marriage is great but relationships come at a cost. Vulnerability, openness, sharing heartache, walking through both the highs and the lows of life together.
Some people know this and some don't ....... but I am actually only alive today because of a faithful God and a faithful husband. Malcolm's care for me through depression and some very dark days have kept me from doing something really stupid.
So in the middle of this 'love your spouse' social media challenge where the pictures are fun and the smiles are real; just know that there is another side where tears have fallen, where days have been dark and where hand in hand we have faced the tough day. Today I celebrate the tough days knowing that having come thus far that God will lead us onward. Together we pray, we grow, we struggle, we laugh, we weep, we praise, we are random (!), we face questions and work things through. Behind the pictures is a deeper story where at times through our 21 years of married life the man standing next to me was the only one knowing how hard life was. For all those currently going through life with a smiley front that all is well please make sure you share with your spouse (or if you are single share with a close friend). I hope that my vulnerability here encourages you that you can get through whatever you face BUT remember you don't need to do it alone - I wouldn't be here without God and without Malcolm. God bless you whether your selfie today would be with smiles or tears.
It is mid-way through this challenge that I pause. I have to stop and reflect - all the pictures of me with my husband are taken at special time; on holiday, celebrations, Christmas, wedding, beautiful views, happy times - there are no pictures of us weeping together, on our knees together, when life has hurt the most we haven't pulled out the camera and said 'wahoo let's take a selfie!' Social media can be a biased commodity of showing the best of life and not always the tough stuff! The pictures we take are amidst celebration and happiness.
But here is the thing that gets me - because we have been through painful times together, because we have wept together, been on our knees together, hurt together, grieved together; we are still together. Do you get my heart? Celebrating love and marriage is great but relationships come at a cost. Vulnerability, openness, sharing heartache, walking through both the highs and the lows of life together.
Some people know this and some don't ....... but I am actually only alive today because of a faithful God and a faithful husband. Malcolm's care for me through depression and some very dark days have kept me from doing something really stupid.
So in the middle of this 'love your spouse' social media challenge where the pictures are fun and the smiles are real; just know that there is another side where tears have fallen, where days have been dark and where hand in hand we have faced the tough day. Today I celebrate the tough days knowing that having come thus far that God will lead us onward. Together we pray, we grow, we struggle, we laugh, we weep, we praise, we are random (!), we face questions and work things through. Behind the pictures is a deeper story where at times through our 21 years of married life the man standing next to me was the only one knowing how hard life was. For all those currently going through life with a smiley front that all is well please make sure you share with your spouse (or if you are single share with a close friend). I hope that my vulnerability here encourages you that you can get through whatever you face BUT remember you don't need to do it alone - I wouldn't be here without God and without Malcolm. God bless you whether your selfie today would be with smiles or tears.
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