Desperate for Him

 This morning I have been playing the old song 'This is The Air I Breathe' on repeat.  The chorus cries out 'I'm desperate for you'  I'll be blunt and honest.  This week has been tough.  After a Monday morning hospital appointment ended with multiple waiting rooms in front of numerous clinicians, surgeons, consultants, nursing staff and anaesthetists culminating in an emergency operation.

It wasn't the day or week I anticipated and I have had a week of recovery, pain, unable to settle or be comfortable, painful tears. loneliness, an ache, a void that suddenly what I had hoped for this week and this month evaporated before my eyes,  Projects at work halted abruptly, Life switched in that day everything changed.  I sit here now close to tears - pain surrounds on so many levels and both my husband and I have prayed and asked God to move and relieve and yet the pain still stands.  The tears still painfully roll down my cheeks and I sit here listening to this song with a desperation for God - to come, to move, to touch, to heal, to restore, for those undeniable encounters with Him that are like a cool drink on a burning hot day, that come with a freshness and intense appreciation that nothing else compares to!  His touch is amazing -His presence like sweetness to my heart, my Soul, my core.

Then I think about the pushing through to encounter Him even though its hard, even though it is painful and I am awestruck again by the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8:43-48 and the courageous, bold tenacity she had to push through to touch His garment - despite what society dictated, despite her physical weakness, despite her lowly state, despite her mental health, despite what others thought, despite everything she pushed through.  She was desperate - that desperate - she knew no one else would do - nothing else would suffice - she just needed Jesus in that moment.

I want to be a woman like that - one who knows her answer is in Jesus alone, desperate for Him - that will pursue Him despite...... despite society, despite what others say or think, despite my health situation, despite how I feel, despite where I am in my head, despite my mental health - the courage, tenacity and brazen boldness to literally pursue Him no matter what - to cry broken at His feet but to outstretch my hand through the pain just for a tiny touch, a tiny encounter with Him.  I am desperate on so many levels - desperate for Him, for His touch, for His presence, for His peace, for His healing, for His reassurance, for Him to whisper afresh 'I've got you in this' to hear His voice - that desperation for Him!

The impact of being loved on how we love!

 I have been dwelling on how much God loves us a lot recently - a lot of my musings are personal and probably familiar territory for many believers. Summed up - SO much for one SO undeserving.  Revel with me for a moment on the gloriousness of that love. An unending, unfailing, wonderful, vast, all-encompassing love, a love that stoops, a love that is no common love, a love that is undeserved, that cannot be measured, in a class all by itself.  A love that cannot be defined or even described - it’s too lofty, wonderful and vast for a vocabulary to describe! I mean how can you describe a love that loved us before the foundation of the World, before we had character or being or life, that loved us from before - in advance, that loved us to the point of sacrifice - He died for us, that same love echoes through every day of eternity. From one day to the next it’s there bellowing across Creation, time, space, every heart-beat, the  inescapable love of God - the Psalmist uses the very extreme places to show us you can’t get away from this love in Psalm 139 - the deepest oceans, the highest Heavens etc etc! You cannot escape this vast wondrous love.  

A love that’s sweeter than honey, more precious than silver, a love better than wine, a love given freely, a love like that of a Bridegroom for His Bride, a love like a Father, a love that protects like a Shepherd does His sheep, a love that stoops with grace to lift the broken, a love that treasures, a love that is so constant that it ‘endures forever!’ A love that is lavished and is not dependent on the recipient in any way! What a love! Love vast as the ocean! Love deeper than all my sin and shame, A ridiculous love that is plentiful, bountiful, astounding and unmatched.  A love that doesn’t ever stop let alone pause- a consistent, constant, wonderful love. A love that does not cloy - never enough! A love that is SO huge our tiny human brains cannot fully take it in! A love that is beyond time….. in every moment of history, right here in the present and is already in our tomorrow! What a love! 

And this my friend is the love of Christ for you. A wildly, outrageous, enormous love - so when we are loved like this what impact does that have on the way we love? On the way we love our neighbour, our family, our brother and sister in Christ? Surely the impact of being recipients of such a love must cause us to love well, to love on a scale that is different to the World’s expectations, to love with a love that we have received! What a challenge to my heart today!

When Daddy is there

Last night we noticed a tiny baby bird in our paper recycling box. He was scared, cold, alone and probably hungry. My husband took the baby bird and popped him in the middle of our patio where we could see him and Malcolm retreated to indoors. We stood for ages watching the little fella who looked so forlorn and chilly. We searched the internet for advice on blue tit fledglings and what to do if they fall from the nest. Last weekend we sat in the garden listening to the cheeps of the babies in their nest as we watched the parents fly back and forth with food. Now we stood in our kitchen with a side window open to the sound of silence. The nest was quiet; the fledgling weak and weary; he offered a rare feeble cheep.  As we searched the internet for advice it all said not to worry if you had touched it or moved it - the parents aren’t affected by the smell but leave the fledgling alone and the parents will come. You may not see them but they will be watching and will hear their little one.

Fifteen minutes passed - the tiny bird looked so little, weak, hungry and cold. Our hearts desperately wanted to help; to make it all ok, to feed the little one, to warm him up but our web searches and our heads knew we weren’t equipped to help this little’un.  And then from out of nowhere Daddy bird appeared - he saw what was needed and immediately flew for food and returned within what seemed seconds. For the next 10 minutes we watched ‘Daddy’ as we called him (although it may have been Mummy :) ) ; fly backwards and forwards with food, after food, after food. With each visit the be-draggled, forlorn little fledgling seemed to improve. He wasn’t shivering anymore, he started to stand a bit taller, his strength renewed; he hopped off to behind a nearby flower pot. With every visit you could feel both our relief and the relief of that parent bird.  We saw the fledgling now situated somewhere safe for the night, fed, warm and being cared for.

This little event got me thinking about our Abba Father. Sometimes we feel isolated, weary, at the end of our resources, we don’t know where to to turn or who can help us. Perhaps others around us want to help but aren’t equipped to help (just like us with the fledgling). What we need is Daddy, our Abba. Perhaps our cries feel feeble, weak or pitiful in the sheer expanse of our situation but just as the internet said about the fledgling's parents - you may not see them but they are there and watching; they will hear their little one! So it is with God we may not see Him but be assured He is there, He is watching, He will hear and He will fly to your side. Song of Songs (chapter 2: 8) talks about the Lover of our Souls leaping over mountains to get to us; to be with us. Wowzers! That is amazing He comes swiftly, eagerly, nothing will get in the way of Him coming to our aid, to caring for us, for restoring us, for refreshing us, for energizing us, for strengthening us, for reviving us! When it feels like there is nowhere to turn and you sit be-draggled on the massive expanse of the patio of life; where there is nowhere to turn, where hope feels gone and weakness seems huge.  At that point know your Abba is watching, listening, hearing your every feeble cry. He knows what you need! Call out to Him, look for Him and surely He will answer with the very care, tenderness, strength, wisdom and love of a parent who wants the best for His children.

He Knows Me

Recently I had a birthday.  My husband, Malcolm, whisked me away for a brief 24 hour holiday.  Three weeks earlier I had commented to him that I wasn't looking forward to my birthday.  There were a number of reasons for this but by the end of the conversation that night we had plans hatched to both take the day off work and enjoy my birthday by doing something together for the day.  Over the next few weeks his plans grew, accommodation booked and anticipation of a fab day or so mounted.  It was set to be a great birthday with the two of us taking some time out of what is a really busy season.

Not only did we pack clothes, food, bottle of sparkling wine but we also took along a little stack of cards and a few gifts.  On my birthday morning I opened a few cards and some gifts from my sister and some friends.  It was so special.  But then Malcolm presented me with a gift bag with numerous presents in it.  He laid them out on the footstool where we were staying.  My heart melted he had chosen and wrapped gifts for me which I had no clue about.  I knew he would not have had any opportunity to shop; so I knew he had planned gifts for a while via internet shopping and delivery to his workplace. What sat in front of me wrapped in cheery bright paper almost didn't matter - what I knew was my busy husband had taken time to plan, purchase and get items delivered in time.

After every gift I opened I was amazed at the thought he had put in - items he knew I needed, wanted, would use, would love, would treasure.  My eyes welled up and a tear rolled down my cheek.  Malcolm put his head to one side 'what's up?'  My reply came 'I am just so blessed' - I went on to explain to Malcolm that what shone through out of my little stack of gifts was how much he knew me.  From jewellery to a phone cover, from an umbrella to an ornament - some items personalised or selected due to a specific reason.

For the last few days that phrase of 'He knows me' has been running through my head - yes -  brought on by what happened on my birthday but over the last few days it has been in respect of God - 'HE knows me' - the Lord knows me.  The reality that the Almighty God knows me - this thought has blown me away.  Amidst all of our struggles, questions, problems, situations on this planet the level of personal care and personal interest God has in us is just completely amazing!  It's just awesome!  There are no words to fathom it completely and my pea sized brain finds it so hard to comprehend:in the midst of my battles - He knows and He is interested.

Think about it for a moment - in the vastness of the Global, eternal situation He knew that we needed a Saviour.  In the intimate setting of a marriage - He has known and provided at times when we have not known where to turn or how we would meet a certain bill or need.   In the personal situation of grief; He has known times where we needed a fresh start and shown us the way.  In the day to day work situation of praying 'please God help me with this phonecall;' the times I have known He has prepared the person I was calling and the call has gone a million percent better than I thought it would.  Those times when I have needed a hug, a word of encouragement, a friend to text, a person to roll up at my door with flowers, a letter in the post, someone I can trust to simply ask 'how are you?' Unprompted things have happened - did they happen by coincidence? - I think not!  I truly believe God knows me and He knows me to the extent that He would prompt someone to pick up their phone or walk over and give me a hug.

I know what I am like - with some things or some people I can't keep it in - I will just say it or react to it or talk about it BUT I also know that I am someone that will muster all my strength to put on the mask and not show some folks where I am really at.  I am a mixed one - but you know God sees beyond the mask; He knows me.  Some times He will remind me that He knows me better than I know myself. Ha ha! It's true.   Not too long ago in the middle of the night God spoke really clearly into my heart - I was struggling over something and it was almost like God was smiling over me as He spoke clearly reminding me of something He knew about me and my character.  The reality is that He knows me.

Dear friend - dwell on that for a moment or two - He knows you.  God knows you.  He really knows you. He knows every joy, every sorrow, every worry, every heart ache, every dream, every discouragement, every disappointment, every tear.  He knows you - He knows your temperament, He knows what you can cope with, He knows what you find easy, He knows what you struggle with.  He knows your character, He knows your heart, He knows your mind.  He knows you physically - your frame; how you were built - where you may need healing or restoration - he knows.  He knows you.  He knows you HE knows you, He KNOWS you, He knows YOU.  Each of those 'caps locked' words is worth emphasizing for a moment.........

HE knows you - the Lord, God, The Maker of Heaven and Earth, The Alpha and Omega, the Almighty One, the One seated in Heaven with all of Heaven worshipping Him right now, this God, this Lord - HE knows you!

He KNOWS you - His knowledge of you is not guessed - it is true, fact.  What He knows of you is not what you put up; the front or mask you wear - it is the truth - the depths, the innermost thoughts and feelings.  He doesn't guess about you - it's certain!  There is no hiding!  Psalm 139 uses the most extremes of heights and depths to explain that wherever we go - He is there.  In the largest and deepest of extremes - He KNOWS you!

He knows YOU - yes you [insert your name right here!]; He knows YOU - yes YOU.  Of course we know God is the God of the World, the Universe, the hugeness - but He is also the God of the intimate, the closeness, the Abba Father heart, the friend closer than a brother, the Lover of our Souls, the one who stores our tears, the One who took time to be with the least, loved the smelliest, the lowest, the despised, the unclean, the unworthy, the sinner, the meek, the broken, the grieving, the marginalized, the unfaithful, the oldest, the child.  Time and time again in the New Testament we see Jesus loving the one in front of Him, knowing the one in front of Him and just what they needed.  Hey people - Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever - therefore - He still loves the one in front of Him, He knows the one in front of Him - right now today hear afresh these amazing words and speak them over your life, your situation, speak over it all - HE KNOWS ME!

Brokenness

Well I haven't blogged for AGES - there are many reasons that I won't bore you with but there has been stuff stirring in my heart for weeks and so here I am after work sat at a keyboard.......

Over recent months there have been many tears, many moments of taking time to get that courageous face on, of stopping before I open the door to go out of the house and reading the verses expertly positioned to muster strength for the next thing before I step in front of anyone.  A brief moment sat in the car to pray that I would love well the person in front of me, to bless those around and to encourage those that I see whilst knowing on so many levels my heart is in pieces.  Courage to worship, love others and be a blessing at the same time as working through so many different thoughts and situations in my head and in life.  I am constantly encouraged that God uses the weak things of the World - we don't have to have it altogether, be completely sorted, be on top of everything in order for Him to use us.  To step into our weakness and say 'ok God here I am use me anyway'.  Spurgeon said something along the lines of  "God does not need our strength He has more than enough of that Himself; He needs our weakness - that He can use in His mighty hand."

So amidst brokenness and my musings in recent times let me share a few wee thoughts.  One of our favourite TV programmes at the moment is a programme called 'The Repair Shop' we don't see it very often but sometimes we do or we get to watch it on catch up.  For those who haven't seen it: people take items that are broken to this specialist barn where they fix it.  The items are usually old and usually hold a great deal of sentimental value being links to long passed family members or conjure precious memories for people.  The stories behind the items are often emotional and it isn't unusual to find me or my husband, or both of us, in tears as people recount the story, the person or the memory behind the item.

Very often the items looked like they are useless, worthless, that they should be headed to the bin or just discarded.  This is where my thoughts kick in - I often feel like that; beyond repair, not worth a thing, not worth bothering about, useless, worthless and ready for the nearest trash can....... but what happens at this repair shop on TV.  The item is passed to the person with the right skills - metal worker, leather worker, expert sewers, wood workers and even sometimes skills are combined.  As I have watched this programme I have been struck by various things over these master craftsmen and craftswomen.
1.  They take their time.
2. They know exactly what the item needs and how to restore it.
3. When support is needed during repair they will build or set something to hold the item.
4. They take extreme care.
5. They know the story behind it from the owner and so they care and they show it.
6. Their skill knows the tools to use or when tools are to harsh they may work by hand.

All these things got me thinking about how God handles us in the midst of our own brokenness. When we come to Him broken, battered and bruised. When we come with our hurt, our questions, our pain, our feelings of worthlessness.  At this very point THE Master Craftsman, THE Creator, THE Lover of our Souls, THE author of salvation takes His time with us, knows exactly what we need, knows the support needed, knows the care required, knows the full story behind every scar, pain, heartache and broken piece, His skill as He takes us into His hand and lovingly touches the areas where healing, restoration and reassurance are needed.  We can trust our lives with His skills. 

I know some have talked to me about the amazing art of Kintsugi where gold is used to repair broken items.  Where after repair the item is more beautiful and more valuable.  How precious is that.  Surely there is no one better to handle our brokenness than the Lord God - the Maker of the Heavens and the Earth; the Sustainer of it all.  His Creation is merely the outer fringes of His amazingness - so today as I sit here pondering brokenness I know that the Master Craftsman has hands that are strong enough to fling stars into space and at the same time gentle enough to wipe away my tears.  When others do not understand where you are at, where your questions are ones that can't be asked, where your brokenness is raw and your heartache is painful - take heart that He knows and He cares.  His intimate love for you is truly mind-blowing but is something we have to grasp in order to trust Him with all the pieces.  The late Warren Wiersbe said 'God can heal the brokenhearted if all the pieces are given to Him.' So lay all your brokenness on the wooden cross and remember - by His stripes we are healed.  By His hands we are restored; by His touch we can know strength for today and tomorrow.

Earth’s Unique Opportunity

Anyone that knows me knows that I love worship. There is something so precious about singing wonderful truths to my awesome God. There is something about old hymns and new songs peppered with glorious truths that cannot fail to help me shift my gaze from the worries of this life to the splendour of God.  In the early hours of today I was struck again by lines from the old hymn Amazing Grace - I played it on You Tube letting the words and truth wash over me afresh.

I have been reminded again recently of the unique opportunity that this planet offers us- an opportunity to worship amidst heartache, pain, tears, grief, hard times - whatever faces us. In that moment to step before God with all that stuff happening and lift our hands in simple adoration that He remains the same whether we are laughing or grieving - that His characteristics have not shifted with our mood- that He remains good, faithful, just, loving, ever-present. It has been a deeply precious truth that Malcolm and I have held on to over many years from Hebrews 13:8 which in truly glorious simpleness states ‘Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.’  His unshifting unchangeableness sets my pea brain alight with wonder!

So why is this earth’s unique opportunity?

In this world we will have trouble, sadness, hardship but Revelation 21:4 tells us that in eternity that He will wipe every tear from our eyes (on a side note - I love that the hands that flung stars into space are gentle enough to wipe away tears). Sorry for the wee tangent but love that every time I read that verse! Back to Rev 21:4- He will wipe away every tear, there will be no death, no mourning, no crying, no pain and I imagine no hardship - our worship will be pure delight - it won’t be a painful sacrifice that is costly. I am reminded of the three mighty warriors who battled hard for water and when they presented it to David who realised all that had gone in to obtaining it; he poured it out in worship.  The woman with the expensive perfume another costly sacrifice - in 2018 our sacrifice of worship can be costly as we stand in our struggles and amidst it all lift our hands to the One who deserves all our worship. But when we get to Heaven there won’t be the struggles, heartache or grief to worship in the midst of!

So dear friend whatever you face right now; take heart, take courage and lift your hands to praise Him - this is a unique opportunity that you won’t have in eternity!

I love you to the earth and back

A few years ago I was going through a really tough time. My husband brought me a canvas for our bedroom which says  "I love you to the moon and back."  He told me that it was a permanent reminder that he loved me even when he wasn't around.  Every morning I look at this canvas and know that even if he has left already for work that he loves me.  It's a great visual reminder.

This week I was getting ready for the start of a normal working day when I glanced up and saw that picture and those words....... it was almost as though I heard the Lord speak to me in that moment 'I love you to the earth and back'.   This week I shared with the youth at church why I love Christmas so much. That Christmas speaks to me of the outrageously bonkers plan of salvation where Jesus came to Earth. Where God didn't send a super hero with awesome supersonic amazing powers complete with cape but sent His Son, Jesus, as a wee baby 100% reliant on his mother for care, for needs. That Jesus the very Saviour of this World walked this planet and can identify with the everyday things that we experience just blows my mind.

This phrase 'I love you to the earth and back' resonated with me this week. That God loved me enough to send Jesus to this planet, to walk this earth, to give it all on the cross, to take all the punishment I deserved and then return to Heaven and send His Holy Spirit to help me with my walk on this earth. Truly an outrageous plan of grace, love, salvation and sacrifice. So blessed. So loved. So amazed.

House of Healing

Recently we have been decorating.  We moved to our home nearly 5 years ago and this is the last major decorating we need to do.  When we brought the house it was in a state of much needed modernisation and some tender loving care after some years of the owners struggling with the upkeep.  It has taken us quite a journey to get it to the state it is now.  As we painted walls yesterday I reflected on the  journey that brought us to this house and how God knew it all.  The testimony of our move is one that I felt I should blog - it may be an encouragement to others who are in similar situations where they can't see the end or what God is doing......

Early 2011 and our lives had just been hit by an event that rocked us to our core.  Although there was an element of physical trauma what we didn't realise at the time was the emotional and mental trauma we were going through.  Suddenly from being a relatively confident person I became insular, not everyone saw the change in me but Malcolm did .......... I could not walk around a supermarket if there were lots of people, crowds became a problem with regular panic attacks, some mornings I would wake up and not be able to decide anything - there were countless days where Malcolm would choose every item I would wear that day.  Most weekends we would head out of London to see the countryside - walk in open fields, breath and walk alongside the sea.  If we were out I needed to be able to see Malcolm or know where he was - my confidence was zero!  Evenings would see us return from work and an immediate change into pj's!  We had a builder friend come and put extra bolts on our front door as I found myself scared in my own home - the area we lived in was rough - I witnessed a youth stabbed, our car was stolen from our street, our neighbour was broken into and stabbed in his own home, there were frequent fights and frequent calls to the police.  I felt trapped.   It wasn't long before we realised we needed to move and so our house went on the market.

10 months later we still hadn't sold our house.  My symptoms of not coping were not really easing and Malcolm was literally holding me together.  Work was my saving grace - the one place where my confidence was ok; I knew what I was doing and knew the people around me!  At the time if you had asked me I would have told you I was doing fine; almost not realising how bad things were apart from the fact that with some advice I was now seeing a counsellor who was helping me to manage some of my symptoms from the trauma earlier that year.  It was at this 10 month mark that Malcolm said that he thought we should start thinking that not only should we change our home but we should change the area in which we lived - moving out of London; he was also starting to think that if we didn't sell then we should look at alternatives to just move from our house as soon as possible even if we still owned it.  A few weeks later we looked at 6 houses one weekend that were outside of London.  That weekend we received three offers on our home in London.  It seemed that Malcolm's idea to move out could be the right one!  One of the houses we saw that weekend stood out from the rest and so we put an offer in after negotiating on the price the offer was accepted.

A few months later and we were ready to move but then came the news that the people we were buying from had issues further up the chain and were now not ready to move out.  We were told there would be a few weeks delay.  Our buyer then announced that if we did not sell to her at that time that she would pull out - she was ready to move in! We then made a decision to sell, so we put all our stuff in storage and packed enough for 2 weeks.  Our employer had agreed to give us a room at work for two weeks in which we could live.  The two weeks became three months - I cannot describe to you the questions we had in those months - had we got it wrong?  Had we made the wrong decisions? The feelings of being homeless and concerns how it would all work out were very unnerving.  It was just about to hit the point that we would have to take a massive financial hit in respect of our mortgage when it was all resolved and we could move.  The day we got the keys my sister came with me to pick them up and walk through the front door.  Malcolm was busy at work preparing for a wedding reception the next day.  Even having the keys felt odd as we couldn't move in with work commitments and working out the practicalities of moving stuff from a storage unit to the house were quite baffling!

At the time of preparing to move we were given two words about our new home - one was that it would be a place of healing and the other that the Lord would lead us out to a spacious place [we were given that when the folks didn't know anything about the home we had brought].

Once we got into our new home we started to reflect on those three months of being homeless where we had asked so many questions about what we were doing.  If we had heard right?  If we had made right decisions.  It was only looking back that we realised that those three months God did some powerful things in us in closing doors, in starting some work in us that meant that when we eventually moved that it really was a fresh start with lots of things dealt with rather than bringing them with us to this new home.  God knew what we needed and orchestrated it so that despite us not realising that we had time and space to shut some doors ready for the new day in our lives.

In my old home to see the sky you needed to walk outside and look straight up - you could not see the sky from inside with the way that the house was positioned in respect of other houses.  In our new home I am often caught looking out from the back windows across the garden to the trees in the distance - God really brought us to a spacious place / spacious view!  We saw a change in me - confidence started to return, I began to feel more positive about life and I went from merely surviving to thriving.

5 years on and we are so grateful that God led us to this home to be a place of  healing for us and hopefully for others.  Time and time again we have seen God use our home to help others or bless them.  It is His home - it belongs to Him and we pray that He will use our home for His glory.  BUT at the same time we hold it lightly - if God tells us that He wants us somewhere else then we would happily move - we know that this season in this house as been one where He has used this home to rebuild us as a couple, as individuals, where the beauty of creation has ministered life into weary broken lives, where sunsets, rainbows and storms have oozed with His faithfulness and care.  I praise God for our home.  It has literally been a God-send, a lifeline to both of us!

Everlasting God

This morning at Church we sang a song containing the line 'You are the Everlasting God' and it got me thinking and thinking..............  These days we live in a 'disposable' society when we purchase something we hope it lasts but more often than not it is more to do its job for a season or for the purpose for that time.  When we got married everything was new - folks gifted us wonderful presents for our wedding for our new home.  We were set - towels, plates, furniture etc etc.  But a number of years later and we have found we have had to purchase new towels, we have had our fair share of smashed crockery, we had items that broke down and would no longer work.

We have all seen those television adverts for batteries that go on and on - but you know; there still comes a point when they run out, they expire, no power left.  They are useless and need replacing.

But today I was struck once again by the permanency of God, the fact He will not run out, expire, break, falter or fail.  He will not be replaced by a better model with a superior spec or better design - He is EVERLASTING!  He is amazing - nothing and no one compares to Him there is nothing or no one that will remain as constant as He does!

The dictionary defines the word 'everlasting' as eternal, never-ending, endless, perpetual, undying, immortal, deathless, indestructible, immutable, abiding, enduring, infinite, boundless, timeless - that is my God, that is the King of  Kings - indestructible - wow - everlasting God!!!!  Dwell on that for a moment and surely your view of Him will just get greater and greater!!!!

Tears, tears, tears

This year has been strangely harder for us than other sad-a-versary times. I have my own theories as to why but it has been a ridiculously hard couple of months. There have been many private tears and (much to my embarrassment) many public tears. Those who have known me over a long time will know that generally I attempt not to cry in front of people. However sometimes the 'attempts' fail as I can't hold the tears in. The last couple of months appear to have been one where my pride has been taken out on this. I have wept with trusted friends, cried through sermons (not because they were bad! Lol!) and tears have rolled down my face during worship.  We got to the point at home that all the tissues in the house were gone and even the kitchen roll was used up!

I am not sure it is helpful to state all the reasons why I think this year has been so much harder than previous years but as Malcolm and I have talked about the tears or just had a hug I have realised afresh how blessed I am that we walk each day together. The honesty of telling him that I couldn't hold the tears in and his reassurance that it is ok and of his love.  Recently a friend and her husband prayed with us; it was a precious time. A few days later I realised that I had wept on and off since that time. I messaged my friend and told her and her reply had a depth of wisdom that Malcolm and I found so helpful. She said this "Tears release the deep pain, I see them like Father's gift to help us let go of the stuff that hurts xx".

My tears, which had been embarrassing, suddenly took on a different thing. They became a gift to let out stuff that I have held so tightly in recent years, almost fearing to show the reality of a deep pain that remains one we carry daily; despite trusting and walking with God. It may be a seeming paradox- in fact I live it and yet don't quite understand it myself! The deep pain of grief, disappointment, loss, of hope being scarey etc etc and yet at the same time a trust in a faithful God, a grateful heart of how He has brought us through and a love for God that some can't compute in light of our experience.  These two seeming extremes of grief / pain and trust / love seem to dovetail into our daily experience - they merge in what seems to be an odd combination. So through the tears of the last few months; I have begun a new journey of trusting God in my tears. I may still struggle that folks may see that real side of my ache but perhaps just perhaps my gift of tears this past few months may bring a new release of the ache. Warren Wiersbe said something along the lines of God can heal a broken heart when all the pieces are given to Him. Psalms tell us that God stores our tears in His bottle, Psalms talk about the Valley of Baca (the place of weeping or tears). May my tears be a heartfelt offering of my life,  my worship, my love, my trust, my desires - tears - God take my tears and use them! May my tears have a fragrance of a sacrifice of worship. May my tears be used for whatever He wants to do...... healing for my pain, ministering to others in pain, a sacrifice of worship - that I will praise despite..... and so today I catch myself saying a brand new prayer:

May God use my tears for His glory!

The Potential for Transformation

Yesterday I collected a second hand cabinet I purchased off of a website.  The person selling it was getting rid of it.  I imagine they thought it was of no use and just old.  They just wanted to discard it.

But me - well I looked at it on the website and I saw potential. I saw alterations that could be made to transform it, I saw how useful it could be, I saw how good it could be, I loved it; I wanted it! So I spent the money and brought it investing in to a cabinet that I felt had potential to be a really nice feature in our home. There is an excitement rising as I think about the changes that I will make to it. I am looking forward to the process as well as the end result.

Today I walked past the cabinet.  It almost looked sad and tired.  It got me thinking about how God looks at people and sees past the present state of things, how they look etc......He sees the potential.  He sees the transformations that can be made, He sees how good someone can be with His Holy Spirit working in them, He loves the person already (prior to any changes!). He wants that person. Get this - He has excitement rising as He thinks about all that He has planned and will do in and through a person.

This then got me thinking about areas of my life that perhaps I feel are useless, just need discarding or can't be used, things that may seem hopeless .......... Today I learnt to start seeing the potential for transformation when God's Holy Spirit gets hold of an area. My encouragement to readers of this blog today is take a moment and just think that we have a God who not only sees the potential for transformation, is in the business of transformation, gets excited about transformation but He is the ultimate expert in transformation of people, situations, feelings, circumstances......whatever it is ..... trust Him for the transformation!

Despites and yetis!

It is the early hours of the morning; the world sleeps, all is silent and yet in the midst of the night hour the tears fall. 6 years ago today was to be the day that I would tell my parents that we were expecting; the plan was to go to church and then drive up to have lunch with my folks.  I remember the day so clearly.  Here I am 6 years on knowing that day was one of the worst of my life. I walked into church expectant, excited and looking forward.....I left church worried, anxious and headed to hospital.  My plans for the day thwarted.  I remember walking into hospital and being asked simply what was wrong. The hospital allocated which desk you check in at dependent on the severity of what was wrong. I was handed a note for the most severe end of the reception booths and seen within moments.  I hardly sat down before I was seen and then ushered to a bay in A&E.

The memories of that day seem etched into me, the days after where more medical things happened which left me bound to the first floor of our home to be near both bed and bathroom. It was tough to live through and tough to look back on.  The year that followed was so dark, I look back and think I survived rather than lived that year. A shell of a person, my head vacant and yet consumed with grief at the same time.

I sit here in the early hours of the morning reflecting on what happened but hand in hand with gratefulness to a faithful God.  The last few weeks have been tough; memories how twice in our lifetime early January has been full of expectation, morning sickness and ginger nut biscuits! Yet here we are 21 years married, two confirmed pregnancies and no kids....... And this is where the rubber hits the road...... Do I chose to live in a 'what if' environment, do I live with a comparison mentality, do I handle the fact that sometimes life just sucks with bitterness, acceptance or something else!?  

'Despite' and 'yet' have become special words for me. I can't alter what has happened in our lives; the loss, the disappointment but I have to learn how to handle this in order to live each day.  There is no easy way.  The other Sunday I felt slammed by a phrase written down in front of me regarding disappointment; the tears rolled despite my desperate attempts to keep the 'I am ok face' up; it didn't work...... The tears came thick and fast - how do you handle disappointment when every single day you live with the consequences and impact of that disappointment?  I don't have the answers BUT I really want to download what I do know. Your situation may be different to mine, your disappointment may be different, your 'life just sucks sometimes' moment may be poles apart from mine but perhaps, just perhaps, this may help.......

1. Yeti number one! Praising God anyway. Habbakkuk 3 v 17-18 sees the author write about the lack, the disappointment, the situation and then declare the 'yet'  - I often say in my head have a 'yeti moment!' The 'Yet I' will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour.'

2. Don't leave it at the door! What do I mean?   I will try to explain- don't put your stuff down at the entrance to the place of worship just to pick it up again on your way out. It isn't easy to do but somehow it is learning to stand (or huddle in a heap on the floor!) in worship with the pain, disappointment, tears and all the rest of it  rather than leaving it elsewhere.  When life sucks worship becomes a choice - it is saying with the Psalmist 'I WILL seek your Face Lord' (Ps 27:8).  There have been times when the situation is in front of me and rather than leave it at the door to collect my baggage on the way out I have actually had to step into all the stuff and praise God anyway. At this point I discovered that it is possible to bring a sacrifice of praise in 2017! Sacrifices of worship have not become extinct!  I can tell you those moments when the sacrifice of praise has been the hardest I have felt like it was a sweet aroma and despite being tough initially as I have pushed through, looked up and praised then God has really blessed me. Nothing new here - look at the woman with the issue of blood (Luke 8) she pushed through (quite literally) and as a result of her faith, tenacity and taking the situation with her to Jesus she knew His touch  and His blessing!  Believe me when I say if you enter the place of worship leaving all the trouble and difficulty at the door then you will only pick it up on your way out.  There is no 'baggage claim' area here - take it with you, take your burdens into His presence, let your sacrifice of worship be sweet and let Him take those burdens. Remember His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt 11:30)

3. Despite. Praising despite is powerful. Praising in spite of your situation moves the focus from your situation to the God you are praising! Worship is for Him and about Him.  

4. Don't worry about it not being all sorted.  What do I mean?  Well Psalm 40 talks of being lifted from the miry pit and our feet being set on a rock.  Sometimes some of the miry pit is still on our feet (see my other blog post for more on this) - it is ok.  God knows - Scripture doesn't say that He set my feet upon and rock and everything is then perfect.  Nope it says that He set my feet upon a rock and gave me a new song to sing.  What we learn in the pit changes the song that we sing.  Honestly if I hadn't have been through pain, loss, disappointment, depression my song would not have been the same....... I have seen what it is to meet God in the depths and have it change me.

5. God doesn't alter. One of the wonderful truths that is very deeply precious to me is that God doesn't alter, shift or change.  He is not moody.  He doesn't get weary. I don't wake up wondering what sort of temperament He is in today, whether He is going to be happy with me or if He is in a good mood.  He is steadfast, true, unchanging in His love and faithfulness. He is totally consistent and constant.  Let Hebrews 13:8 become deeply precious to you; never let go of this fact - don't give doubt a millimetre. Hold on to this truth with both hands and don't let it go!  It will see you through the darkest of days.

6.  On the worst of days when you can't see a way through hit the 'Yeti' of Lamentations 3v21-24 where the author despite the previous 20 verses of 'worst dayness' declares 'Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."'  The Yet I call to mind is so valuable in the tough moments.  If you are feeling like you are hitting rock bottom then I encourage you to read this passage in The Message version - it helped me no end!

7. God turns things around!  From the opening of this blog you can tell that the realisation things weren't right happened at church six years ago.  There is no easy way to tell you in that morning the very place of God encounters became a place marked with loss.  Yesterday, 6 years later, I walked into church feeling broken, worn down and empty.  Yesterday for me to praise was a choice, I had to make myself raise my hands, I had to encourage myself to look up, I had to tell myself that God was worthy of my praise despite how I felt.  It was hard work to start with - distractions a plenty, mind wandering, focus dithering and then it got easier as the words pierced my head and my heart with wonderful truths that made the distractions fade into the background in the light of what God has done for me. At the end of the service I turned to Malcolm and said '6 years ago I walked into church expectant and left empty and anxious; today I walked into church empty and anxious and leave full.' Both of us teared up - the truth of that is a stark one for us but God blessed us yesterday in worship and through the word.  The preacher had mentioned the phrase 'whatever the Lord says to do' as Mary had said to the servants when Jesus turned water into wine.  In the middle of the night in 2004 - 13 years ago now - Malcolm and I got in the car to go to hospital knowing that my pregnancy was not going right and I turned to Malcolm and said 'whatever Lord.' It has been a prayer we prayed in the worst of times and one that we have prayed knowing that He won't let us down.  To be reminded of that prayer at this time of year astounds me.  God used that sermon yesterday to minister afresh to us.

8. Choose truth. This is another yeti which I have had to take hold of and whilst not word for word in Scripture the principles are there.  Some folks don't get that we can still love God and still worship Him despite what has happened (and that is ok that they don't get it; it really is our personal journey). However one thing that I have heard repeatedly is that what we have been through is a punishment from God.  The truth is this - God authored salvation, Jesus died on the cross, He took all of our sin, Jesus cried out on the cross 'It is finished' just before He died  - He didn't cry out 'It is partly done' or 'it is nearly finished'.  No!  The work of Jesus is 100% complete. The debt is paid in full.  God is a Just God!  He is a God of Justice.   Therefore He cannot punish the same sin twice.  The Yet I here is to choose to remind yourself of the truth and not listen to the niggly lies that can be seeded.

So we begin our sad-a-versary knowing this anniversary is littered with precious moments from God along the way.  We will cry today.  We will laugh today.  We will struggle today.  We will rejoice in being together today.  The 'despites' and the 'yetis' help us to lift a sacrifice of worship today.  And we lay hold of truth that He is a good Father, a Just God, the faithful One - He won't let us down, He is not in the business of abandonment, He is faithful, true, loving and worthy - Indeed whatever the 'life sucks' moment is for you - hold on to Him, even when your grip feels like it is just the tiniest tip of your fingers hold on to Him because for sure He is holding on to you, He won't let you go! I end this blog post calling to mind and therefore I have hope; His mercies are new this morning.  Great is His faithfulness therefore I WILL wait for Him and while I wait I will be caught praising despite it all......

New Year Freedom Cry

As 2016 draws to a close and I reflect on the disappointments, grief, worries, joys, precious moments of 2016; my mind starts to shift to looking forward.

In 2016 I lost a dear friend who consistently encouraged me to live in freedom, in grace, to enjoy God and to enjoy being loved by God!  Every time we met we seemed to compare our journeys from the default of law into the fullness of God's grace. We often compared struggles, disappointments, joys and sorrows. He would often talk of that moment in that famous film when Mel Gibson complete with war paint would cry 'FREEDOM' - this is my cry as I enter 2017. In the past I have made new year's resolutions only to feel that I then began the year with a weight on my shoulders and anticipation of messing up! My verse for the start of 2017 has been on repeat in my head over this last week - it is Galatians 5:1 and it says this:-

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
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I don't want to put myself under a yoke of expectations, goals, desires etc as I enter 2017. Of course there are things I would love to see happen but you know this year my resolution is simply three words 'Freedom in Christ' - He did it all that I may be free, that I may have life and have it to the full. All my concerns, desires, disappointments, delights, struggles, griefs, joys, sorrows and tears I simply lay at His feet at the outset of the year. For freedom Christ has set me free!

Yo-Yo days

This morning on my way to work I found myself reflecting on the last month or so.  It has been a strange season for me on so many levels. There have been highs, lows, unsettling days and days where I have felt quite stretched.  I found myself comparing the last weeks to that of a yo-yo! Days where I have felt close to God, happy, safe and secure....... Other days I have felt stretched, out on a limb, scared, concerned, low, tearful. I thought about how a yo-yo moves - sometimes being held in the hand other times close to the hand and other times at full stretch, feeling distant, at the end of the rope - quite literally! 

As I thought about this I realised something quite special. No matter where the yo-yo is - close to the hand or at full stretch it is held securely; the hand holds it, the hand can bring it close, the hand can help when it feels in a mess.  It is like this with God - whether we are at full stretch, close, down, up, feeling messed up, feeling secure or out on a limb - He won't let you go. He holds you. He has the ability to bring you close, to reassure you, so no matter where you are as you read this remember His Father's hand is strong, constant and reliable! God bless!

Mud doesn't just fall off!

This week I struggled with some stuff. It was tough. I battled. I cried. I talked to Malcolm. As we talked I was saying how I didn't quite understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling; after all I know that God lifted me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock, and gave me a new song to sing (Psalm 40).  As we talked Malcolm reminded me that the pit in Psalm 40 is a slimy pit, full of mud and mire. He went on to ask me the last time I went for a walk in a muddy area did I return home with clean boots?

It was a precious revelation to me.....yes God has lifted me, He has done wonderful things in my life but some of the things that were in the pit still affect me.  Miry means very muddy / boggy. Slimy - covered in sludge, muck, mire, a thick and slippery substance.  I may be standing on the rock but some of those things mean I am not 100% sorted; I still struggle; I still battle; life is still hard........ BUT God is with me on the rock He won't fail, He won't leave me, He won't knock me back into the pit. So even when life is hard there is no need to condemn myself for not being in a better place....... There is still work to be done in cleaning me up after that pit, it was a deep pit, it was a hard place to be, it left marks on me, it even left wounds where I tried (unsuccessfully) to get myself out of the pit. But God lifted me out - He was the one that stooped down with love and grace and picked me out of that place and then put me on the rock, the firm place. He sees the marks and He cares. He knows I need time and He understands where I am at. There is NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Praise the Lord!

Love your spouse challenge

So earlier this week I was tagged in the 'love your spouse' challenge. This is where you are challenged to post photos of yourself and your spouse for 7 days on Facebook and to also tag a friend each day asking them to do the same thing to celebrate love and marriage.

It is mid-way through this challenge that I pause.  I have to stop and reflect - all the pictures of me with my husband are taken at special time; on holiday, celebrations, Christmas, wedding, beautiful views, happy times - there are no pictures of us weeping together, on our knees together, when life has hurt the most we haven't pulled out the camera and said 'wahoo let's take a selfie!'  Social media can be a biased commodity of showing the best of life and not always the tough stuff!  The pictures we take are amidst celebration and happiness.
But here is the thing that gets me - because we have been through painful times together, because we have wept together, been on our knees together, hurt together, grieved together; we are still together. Do you get my heart?  Celebrating love and marriage is great but relationships come at a cost.  Vulnerability, openness, sharing heartache, walking through both the highs and the lows of life together.

Some people know this and some don't ....... but I am actually only alive today because of a faithful God and a faithful husband.  Malcolm's care for me through depression and some very dark days have kept me from doing something really stupid.  

So in the middle of this 'love your spouse' social media challenge where the pictures are fun and the smiles are real; just know that there is another side where tears have fallen, where days have been dark and where hand in hand we have faced the tough day.  Today I celebrate the tough days knowing that having come thus far that God will lead us onward. Together we pray, we grow, we struggle, we laugh, we weep, we praise, we are random (!), we face questions and work things through.  Behind the pictures is a deeper story where at times through our 21 years of married life the man standing next to me was the only one knowing how hard life was.  For all those currently going through life with a smiley front that all is well please make sure you share with your spouse (or if you are single share with a close friend).  I hope that my vulnerability here encourages you that you can get through whatever you face BUT remember you don't need to do it alone - I wouldn't be here without God and without Malcolm. God bless you whether your selfie today would be with smiles or tears. 

Connected to the vine

Yesterday morning I was cutting back the vine in our garden. I was thinking about the whole passage in Scripture about He is the vine and we are the branches; I was thinking about the whole thing of abiding..... And then I noticed this....... When I cut the branches there were smaller offshoots holding on. They were tiny but the grip was so strong to separate the vine from the branch I couldn't just pull the branch away I had to cut the smaller shoots that wrapped themselves around.

So if you have been broken and you feel weak, insignificant or small then remember the phrase 'let the weak say they are strong'. When you are broken remember He still holds you. Take heart that He won't let you go! Truly blessed today as I reflected on how despite times in the past of feeling broken, weak, drifting and alone; I can look back and see that He never let me go!

God Will Make A Way

This morning on our way to Church we got talking........ We talked about how God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites, we talked about how God sent Jesus to make a way for salvation, how when Jesus died the curtain was torn in two from top to bottom so that we had a direct way into God's presence. As we talked a deep smile came from right within me and I turned to Malcolm and simply said 'Making a way is one of God's specialities' - a precious revelation today!

A God of 180 degrees transformation

during worship this morning I was struck once again by the amazing transformation God does. The comparison of where I was and what He has done for me. Amazing God!

A God of transformation...... Life changing. God of the 180 degrees turn around. From fear to confidence. From lost to found. From trapped to freedom. From weak to strong. From anxious to having a peace-giver. From death to life. From lack to plenty. From poor to rich. From rags to splendour. From pit to mountain top. He has done it all. From destined for punishment to liberated. From deserving wrath to overwhelmed with love. From the gutter to the throne room. From orphan to adopted. From not being allowed to enter to free, unhindered access. My heart broken to restored, healed, forgiven, redeemed, saved to life; life in freedom; life in abundance; life in confidence in all that my Saviour achieved for me.
He has done it all, won it all, achieved it all, sealed it all, completed it all. Mighty mighty mighty. Holy holy holy. Worthy worthy worthy.

The Bible on the Bible

At The Church we go to, Crawley Community Church, they have been doing a summer series on the Bible. I have really enjoyed the series so far and it got me thinking. What does the Bible say about the Bible, the Word of God? So I took some time looking at Scripture and this is what I came up with. It is not an exhaustive list but it really blessed me!


The Bible, God's Word is God-breathed, useful, it thoroughly equips, it trains, we need to keep His Word. The Word of God stands forever. His Word is worthy of praise! It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  The Word is living, active, sharper than a double edge sword. His Word is a lamp to our feet, a light for our pathway - it gives guidance and clarity.  It gives strength, it is trustworthy, it is to be delighted in, it keeps us from shame, it helps us not to sin.  It is something to long for, it gives us hope, it causes hearts to tremble. His Word is fruitful, it accomplishes what God wants it to, it gives life, it has an affect on us to the point others will rejoice when they see that affect!  His Word is the sword of the Spirit, signs accompany it, His Word should be held on to, it is a pleasure to those who listen to the Lord.  It is near us - in our speech and in our hearts.  God's Word is the source of life, a source of hope.  It is a life changer! It needs to be handled correctly.  In obeying the Word God's love is truly made complete in us.  It is sent forth by God, it is to be preached, it is for correction, teaching, rebuking, encouragement, is vital to be our source of guidance.  It is to be proclaimed, the Word was from the start; from the very beginning.  As we come to worship we need to prepare our hearts to hear the Word.  Tradition can nullify God's Word in our lives - don't go on what was handed down to you - use His Word as the original source!  Worries and worldliness have a direct impact on its fruitfulness.  When the Word is in us we can't contain it - it burns in our hearts!  God's Word is not to be despised, it should not be rejected. It is fulfilled by the Lord.  The Word of God will not expire, cease or pass away - it will stand forever, it is eternal!


Wow! These are the Scriptures I consulted in this summary..... 2 Tim 3:16, 1 Kings 13:21, Luke 21:33, 1 Sam 15:26, Lam 2:17, Numb 15:31, 1 Chron 10:13, Jer 20:9, Mark 4:19, Mark 7:13, Jer 7:2,Ps 107:20, 2 Tim 4:2, 2 Tim 2:15, 1 John 2:5, James 1:18, Matt 4:4, Ps 130:5, Jer 6:10, 2 Thess 2:15, Rom 10:8, Eph 6:17, Mark 16:20, Eph 6:17, Pro 4:4, Is 55:10-11, Ps 119:6, 11, 14, 16, 28, 42, 74, 105, 114, 133, 161, Heb 4:12, Is 40;8, Ps 56:4