How quickly your day can change!

On Friday we were travelling North to see my family and to celebrate with my Nan as she is 90 on Monday - Friday night we were to have a family meal early in the evening and Saturday saw a social gathering where 90-100 people showed up to wish her a happy birthday. All in all a good time was in store - my Nan is a wonderful woman who was saved and baptised at 83 and whose baptismal service is so memorable!

Anyway back to Friday! We had decided the M25 would be a good route but when we found most of it stationary we headed off and I did my map reading through the countryside so that we kept moving. Out for a meal at 6 and knowing that I really wanted a shower and to iron my husbands shirt before we went out plus bad traffic made us eager to get there! We came to a junction on a road - the car two in front stopped to turn right, the van in front of us stopped, we stopped but the van behind us didn't and without warning suddenly my day changed. The impact flung us forward, the bar under my chair went into my ankle, the van behind embedded into the back of our car. It wasn't a fair fight - he was bigger, he was moving......

When we arrived at my Mum's I said to her that I could not believe how quickly our day had changed - one moment all was well the next I was just grateful that other vehicles, signposts, ditches had all been avoided, grateful that I was alive and so was my husband - sounds melo-dramatic but it's true!

Malcolm is running an Alpha Course at the moment at the Church with a wonderful team of people - we always wonder at the beginningof the course what is going to happen - usually something happens that disruptes our lives, takes our attention or seems to take us out of action - but this is an all time classic doing all at once! Our car will probably be written off - time will be needed to deal with insurance and organise courtesy cars while it is looked at, both us have whiplash and sleep doesn't come comfortably, we need to look into getting a new car and this will take time and money - everything changed in those few seconds. I know that God is bigger than all of this - when we purchased our car which came out a huge blessing from someone the guy in the garage described what we needed as a 'miracle car' and on Friday it lived up to its name and miraculously we were not hurt more than we were. My husband tells me it is though God had said 'so far but no further' to the enemy. God had His hand of protection upon us of that I remain convinced!

Jesus went that far for me.......

Ever been locked out?
This morning we shut the door to our house, looked at one another and realised that between us we had a car key but no house key - I rummaged through my bag desperate to find the house keys to no avail. Fortunately we have had some work done on our bathroom and we knew that we could get a key from our builder - but not until several hours later!
What was strange is that we still owned the property, it still belonged to us but for those hours we couldn't get access! It felt weird - we didn't need to go home as we were at work but if we had of needed to or wanted to we couldn't!
Sometimes I feel like that with my relationship with God - He is there, I still belong to Him, there is no question that He is Lord of my life but I feel like I am 'locked out' unable to break through and enter in to all the things that He has for me.
This week I have been reading more sermons by Smith Wigglesworth and he really is straight down the line - he calls a spade, a spade but I can't quite grasp that if the Bible says things then why doesn't God seem to do what we think His word is saying, why is it that at times I feel locked out - like the blessing is not for me.

This afternoon my husband and I sat and watched two DVD sessions by Louie Giglio on Hope and where is God when life hurts the most - I would recommend anyone to get them but warn you to watch with a tissue box near at hand - I did cry and so did my husband! Louie pointed out that Jesus said we will have trouble in this lifetime - and we do but he went on to point out that when the depths are at their deepest to look at the cross - he explained that when you look at the cross even if everything is falling apart you will realise afresh that Jesus died for you because He loves you....... tonight at the music practice we sang a song that has a line 'I stand forgiven at the cross.' It was hard not to weep all over again - He went to those lengths for you and for me and even though life is tough, even though this week has been an exhausting struggle, even though I have felt really low - noone can alter the fact that He loves me (even when it is hard to feel it!) indeed He went that far, to the cross for me!

The Rollercoaster

A couple of blogs ago I said about the stained glass masquerade, last blog was Louie Giglio in his ever-encouraging style. If there is one thing I have noticed since I started blogging was how either 'up or down' my blogs tend to be. There have been awesome encounters with God, followed by crashing lows. I am just wondering if anyone has worked out how to change the rollercoaster into something more like a train or a tram - a steady even route with no major dips or highs!??!?

I have sat here tonight pondering things - all sorts of things - how can I change this, how can I share this load, this heartache, how can I let the lid of this can without the contents spurting out, hurting others, myself and actually not being helpful.

I look at my circle of people I trust and it has grown smaller over years - and now I feel like sharing is just too risky - better to keep up the masquerade - but is that healthy or helpful? I just wonder.............

Timely encouragement

This is 8 minutes long but worth every moment for the encouragement........

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

One of my favourite groups are Casting Crowns - I love their honest lyrics and the music. Over these last few weeks when so much has been going on I have been maintaining the mask of everything is ok and this song has been repeatedly in my mind. For those who are unfamiliar of the song here it is -

I have highlighted a few of the phrases that have been so true for me in the lyrics below - I wonder if I am the only one that finds Church one of the hardest places to be really open...........


Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

"Stained Glass Masquerade" Words and Music by Mark Hall and Nichole Nordeman Performed by Casting Crowns

Total Desperation For The Presence of God

I am not satisfied!
In recent days I have found myself more and more hungry for just being in that place of intimacy with God - I have been to Church services and have left feeling disappointment that I came sang, listened and left - there has been a growing sense of desperation not simply to be in His house but to be in His presence - to know a deeper encounter with the Lord. Then last night my pastor brought a word about the presence of God and I must confess I left feeling more hungry than ever, I am so desperate for the Lord. I long to be in His presence and last night at the end of the sermon I was reminded of an old chorus by Noel Richards that goes like this:-

To Be In Your Presence

To sit at Your feet,

Where Your love surrounds me,

And makes me complete.

This is my desire, O Lord,

This is my desire

This is my desire, O Lord,

This is my desire

To rest in Your presence,

Not rushing away;

To cherish each moment,

Here I would stay.

I have been awake since about 3am and this song has been going round my head - this desire to just be with Him almost throbs in the core of my being - I cannot be the sort of Christian that is happy simply for encounters with God at designated Church meetings! How does anyone rely simply on a weekly or twice weekly or even three times a week encounter with Him - I can't go on at all unless I know an encounter with Him!

A few weeks ago I had a major encounter with God (funny how we scale these things) but I have to say that I have not known such a deep rooted encounter with God on such a scale for a long time - I cannot describe it other than to say I know that God stepped over the threshold of all the stuff in my life that I had fenced up and He stripped it away, He healed some areas of my life and since then I have known a lightness and a release unprecedented than any other time I can recall. What strikes me though is since then, I was talking with my husband about that night and he said something that hit me - he said, 'it was a start, God needs to do more.' In my juvenile moment I was like "more, but God has dealt with so much, surely I am OK now...." that was my honest inward feeling. But over the last three weeks or so as I have read various books and been in the Word the more I realise that encounter is and was not enough..........

..........I just had a breather to get a glass of water and it struck me that some may not understand this wonderful, awesome touch from God and then a realisation that what I have experienced is not enough. I had a glass of water before I went to bed but now I need another one - last nights glass of water is not enough for now or later......... it is like that with our walk with God I guess. It's an ongoing need. Yesterday I really sensed God's presence during the Sunday services at Church - but I need to know fresh encounters with God, I need to know His presence more and more. I am desperate and hungry and thirsty and longing with my whole being to be in His presence, to just sit at His feet, to know His love, to know that 'completeness,' to have the courage not to rush on (something I am too good at!), to learn to tarry more and just 'be.' I am with the Psalmist when he cried out 'better is one day in your house than a thousand elsewhere.'

I have to be honest and put a health-warning on this desperation for the presence of God - His presence is totally addictive! I kid you not! Once you have tasted of that intimacy, that moment when He waltzes in to your situation and lifts your burdens, when He cuts through the mess of your life with a prophetic word, when in the silence of the moment there is that 'I love you' song emanating from the throne, the brief moment when your despair turns like a click of the fingers into hope, when your heart ache turns into a new ache of gratitude and love, when you know His prompting and you have no option but to read what He lays on your heart or to sing that song when all of a sudden you seem transported from the city of this Earth to the city where all the worshippers sing one song, where things of this earth don't seem to matter any longer. I am so hungry and I am so desperate - I long, I feel parched for His presence, I cannot go on without Him. There are more encounters scheduled - He knows my days - but I long for them, I hunger for Him, I am simply laid bare and desperate for Him. No other touch is like His, no other voice is like His, no other presence is like His, I feel like I am in a dry lock of a canal and the other side of these gates is a mighty potential - the gates seem to open and for a time there is an abundance and an overwhelming and an exhilaration but then it seems like the lock drys up again and I am left looking for these gates to be opened afresh - I have had enough of the canal - I want the constant stream, the river - the constant flow with no lock, no damn, I agree with the song-writer! This is my desire O Lord, this is my desire - to be at His feet, to know His presence, to hear His voice, to hear His love songs over me, to not rush any longer - to just be in His presence.......

New Blog

As I start to type this it is the early hours of Sunday morning - can't sleep and I have been mulling over LOTS of things! I have realised that 'From Head to Heart' has become more of a blog over my journey from legalism to living in the abundant grace of God - it is a journey that I am taking slowly and learning day by day that God's grace is not dependent upon me or my performance, or anything like that, so I am taking the courageous but yet scary (and maybe stupid) step of setting up a new blog which relates more to my walk with God through childlessness and infertility.

Although my journeys are linked I pray that there will be a fresh anointing of fire both for the understanding and acceptance of the grace of God as well as the daily walk with God through the ache of experiencing God giving and then taking away and seemingly not giving again...........