From Head to Heart

Am still here!

2009-12-15T21:54:00.003Z

I haven't blogged in what seems forever! Mostly because things have been incredibly tough, mixed me trying to fathom how to get through each day positively - it has not been easy and I still like I have a long way to go. I wish the rollercoaster of life was more like a train ride - the ups are good but I could willingly give up on the downs!

The journey of grace continues to be an adventure..........more will come over the Christmas break I hope!

Changing my default!

2009-08-18T09:39:00.004+01:00

This week there have been many e-mails between me and an old school chum, Dan. Most of our conversation has been in respect of getting free from legalism, the affects that legalism has had and the journey into grace and the awesomeness of grace. Dan and I are kindred spirits in many ways having journeyed together through a number of years and I would boldly say that he is like the brother that I never had. He's a real blessing to me and has been known to send me the odd prophetic word that has been totally spot on quite a number of times!!

In my e-mails to Dan I found myself realising just was a stench legalism has about it, but that grace has a sweet aroma – I know which one I would rather choose but yet there are times I run to the stench because that is what I am so used to! At work I have 3 different printers that I can send my printing to - a general one with the option to print on plain paper, headed paper or labels, a colour printer for the odd occasion that it is needed and a large beefy photocopier that will store my printing, double side it, put different sheets on different colours, staple and will print huge documents very quickly and very cheaply. The first one I mentioned is my default printer - if I just hit the print key and I know that it will go to the general printer and be on plain paper. Occasionally I have mass printing jobs to do and if I know that I will spend a few hours on the same print job then I will change my default to the third printer I mentioned. Why do I share the details of something so mundane - simply because I know that over years and years my 'default' has been set to legalism. Something happens and the natural, immediate and without question response has come from a position of legalism.
But oh for grace to become my default – how I yearn for it to be so - but I have been told and can see that unlearning the default of legalism can take time! How I pray that grace reactions would become my default reactions in the ups and downs of life!

The other thing that I have realised is that legalism wrecks lives – I only see damage from legalism. Even handling some situations that my husband and I face and have faced I realise how legalism is brought out and have to say that legalism underlines failure, highlights inability and bolds the imperfect!

So many people brought up in legalism struggle to gain the freedom and life offered under grace because their natural response comes from years of being taught ‘you must be this, you must do this, you must be like this, you must produce this, you must achieve this.’ But Grace explodes and disintegrates the ‘you must’ with ‘Jesus has’ - everything is liberated and the delight comes as we realise Jesus has done it all, won the day and given us all that we need!

Oh to live in the fullness of the default of grace..............

Perseverance, Grace and the Gym!

2009-08-09T17:19:00.002+01:00

This is a bizarre title for a post but hang with me for a mo while I explain! Back in June I joined the gym that is literally a stones throw from my front door. I have been plucking away at going a number of times each week after the realisation that from 7am - 3.30pm every weekday I do a desk job with only a walk to the photocopier, toilets or a meeting as any exercise. I must confess having joined I want to go - I want my money's worth!!!! :-)

Anyway to get to the point I got up early this morning to get half an hour at the gym in, before a shower and an early start at Church with the praise team. Most days I plug my headphones into the piece of equipment I am working out on and watch the nice big plasma TV at the front. This morning I decided to take my trusty little ipod shuffle and spent half an hour blasting praise music while I had an 'in-head chat' with God. I spent some time praising Him, talking to Him about some of the things on my heart and also just listening to see what He had to say to me. Yet again I heard the same word that has been echoing in recent weeks - the word is 'perseverance' - this word was not only an encouragement to keep going on the treadmill this morning but also to keep going on the road of grace and to keep working through things that I have started to tackle recently. But the beauty of perseverance in grace is that all is given to me to persevere. God isn't going to make me journey this route without His touch and enabling the whole way!

I was thinking about legalism, grace and the gym this morning - I might be a member of the gym but if I don't actually put my kit on and walk out the door, round the corner and go in then being a member profits me nothing. If I go to the gym all the equipment that I want is there, all the good exercise is there to be had if I walk through the door, if I fancy a swim I can just go and do that - it's all there! Now think about this - what if I am a Christian and don't live in the grace given to me - it's all there - I just have to step in to it, there is a wealth of good things for me to enjoy and to revel in and to swim in! BUT I need to step in to grace to enjoy it, to realise it. The differences between my gym and the grace of God are multiple but - here are a few:- Grace is to be enjoyed not endured, Grace is never unavailable my gym has closing times! Grace is personal, a love relationship, the gym deals with strangers and there isn't a love for customers!

The point really is how struck I was this morning that I have to make the effort and go to the gym in order to receive the benefit of membership, I also have to make the effort to put myself in 'the line of fire' to learn about grace, to grow in grace, to be set free 100% to enjoy grace. So as my Sunday draws to a close I start another week with the word 'perseverance' ringing in my head, perseverance to be in the deluge of grace, but hand in hand with a knowledge that without being legalistic I need to step in the flow of grace and try to stay there..........................

Grace and molds?

2009-08-08T21:27:00.002+01:00

Been thinking a lot recently about the mold of what I think I should be like as a Christian, perhaps the mold that I think others have for me, the expectations others have of me, the mold that perhaps I even try to put on myself. I am sure others have the same thoughts some time.

And then......well then I think about grace and it hits me - with grace there is no set mold that I have to fit in to. With grace there is nothing I have to do to 'fit in', with grace I am 100% accepted just as I am right now, grace turns the concept of 'I have to be like this' completely on his head. Now it is learning to really get these truths about grace from my head to my heart, to not just be right on the good days but to be true and real to me on the bad days, the lone moments, the times when the tears fall, when grief seems overwhelming and that is the challenge for the moment - for listening to the voice of grace even when things are tough and everything points to the 'you're rubbish syndrome.'

Anyone else battle with this????

The Journey of Grace Continues

2009-08-05T22:45:00.001+01:00

I continue to journey through the ups and downs of stepping into the realisation that living under grace is completely different to living under rules, regulations and trying to fit into a mould. The journey has new highs and new lows. Constant new revelations seem to hit me on a daily basis and yet at the same time the battle often seems more intense! Recent days / weeks the feelings of condemnation seem to have grown and become more tougher to handle. I am grateful to God for putting key people around me that have encouraged me that the Bible says 'there is no condemnation for those in Christ.' People that have encouraged me that God's love and thoughts towards me are good and will never change even if I ever mess up that He will still love me that He doesn't ever get cross with me that I haven't fully grasped grace yet.
Then this evening I was reading Steve McVey's blog and this post and these paragraphs hit me like a bullet:-

The Spirit of Christ doesn’t put you under guilt and condemnation about something Jesus Christ has already absorbed into Himself at the cross, defeated and put away. Remember that Jesus dealt with sin and then sat down by the right hand of God because there was nothing left to do regarding sin. Your sins have been defeated and put away. So at every moment, “There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”

When the Christian sins, the Holy Spirit causes us to realize, “This isn’t who I am. I don’t want to live like this.” That realization is a call to recognize our righteousness and act like who we are. If you sense feelings of worthlessness and shame; if you think you are a horrible person when you sin, that isn’t the Holy Spirit speaking to you. It may be your church or family history rising up to condemn you, but it isn’t God’s Spirit. He doesn’t do that. Ever.

-Steve McVey

What an awesome statement re God condemning me - "He doesn't do that. Ever."

How I pray that this goes from my head to my heart.....................

Grace Walk

2009-06-27T06:23:00.002+01:00

I had seen the book 'Grace Walk' mentioned on some grace and glory blogs and realised that a number of folks were all saying what an impact this book had on their journey into grace. I couldn't help myself I HAD to read this book! So I brought a new and used copy from Amazon and was delighted when it arrived. I am not a particularly fast reader and sometimes feel like I am wading through a field of thick mud wondering if I will ever finish a book! Not with this one though - I just could not get enough of it! I am going to have to re-read this now with my husband he has to hear some of the stuff that McVey says!

So here are some snippits that have blessed me so very very much:-

'God never intended for our focus to be on performing and producing. He desires that our focus be on the person of Jesus Christ.'

'When you pray for God to help with your situation and things don't get any better, remember that He knows what He is doing! Just because you can't see His hand doesn't mean He isn't working. He may be using the situation to break that outer shell of self-reliance that keeps the life of Christ from being expressed through your lifestyle.'

'Adverse circumstances may be the hand of God working to bring us to the end of self-sufficiency.'

'God's purpose is not that we should rededicate our self with all it abilities, but that we should give up all help in self. We sometimes try to live for Him when He wants to live His life through us.'

'Law will cause a person to say,"Lord, help me to do the things You want me to do." Grace will cause a person to say, "Lord Jesus, I am abiding in You and You in me. Express You life through me in any way that you desire." '

'Understanding our identity is absolutely essential to our success in living the Christian life.'

'Our identity in Christ is one of the most liberating truths we will ever understand.'

'You are fully accepted by God. You are accepted because you are in Christ (Ephesians 1:6). Because Christ has received you and He is fully accepted by the Father, you are fully accepted as well! You don't need to change a thing about yourself for God to accept you. You acceptance isn't based on what you do, but on who you are.'

It is important to see yourself as God sees you. You know how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly through the process of metamorphosis. The caterpillar weaves a cocoon around itself and a short time later emerges as a butterfly.

If you were to see a butterfly, it would never occur to you to say,

"Hey everybody! Come and look at this good-looking converted worm!"

Why not? After all, it was a worm. And it was "converted." No, now it is a new

creature, and you don't think of it in terms of what it was.

You see it as it is now - a butterfly.

In exactly the same way, God see you as His new creature in Christ.

Although you might not always act like a good butterfly - you might land

on things you shouldn't, or forget you are a butterfly and crawl around

with your old worm buddies - the truth of the matter is,

you are never going to be a worm again!

It was liberating to understand just how God had made me into a butterfly. I was no longer a worm! In no way do I intend to convey the idea that understanding my identity caused me to live sinlessly. However, I have found that when I do sing now, I soon see it as foolish because I know that a sinful attitude or action contradicts my new nature.'

'Grace can never be repaid. It has no price, no because it is worthless, but because it is priceless.'

'God's love and acceptance are totally unconditional.'

'A person's behaviour has absolutely no influence on God's love. He loves you because, in His grace, He has chosen to do so. You can't do anything to gain God's acceptance, because Jesus has already done everything to cause the Father to accept you. You are fully accepted by God because you are in Christ. You can't improve on total acceptance, and God already accepts you totally.'

'The law says, "You must, you ought," while grace causes a person to say, "I want to!"'

'God is not interested in what we can do for Him. He can do anything that He needs done! He doesn't want what we can do - He just wants us!'

'The core of the Christian life doesn't revolve around doing, but it is grounded in being.'

'We are Christ's bride, not His hostage.'

'Legalism turns prayer into a boring monologue, while grace turns it into a delightful conversation.'

'Someone said that they don't bother talking to God about the small things because He's so busy. Remember this - it's all small to God! He doesn't need to conserve His energy for the big stuff. He is omnipotent! You won't drain Him of His power. If He knows how many hairs are on your head, He must care about every single details of your life, regardless of how small it may seem to you.'

'Christians need to give as much credit to God's ability to lead as they give to the ability of Satan to mislead!'

'Grace makes evangelism a real joy instead of a religious job.'

'When people are consumed with desire, they can't be stopped! Grace inflames the desire to witness. It ignites compassion toward the lost and motivates Christians to naturally witness with supernatural power. Grace-based evangelism is nothing less than an excitement about Jesus that is contagious to others. Grace motivates one to share a Person, not a plan.'

'The goal of evangelism is not to obtain decisions for Christ, but to introduce people to Christ.'

Gosh - I could go on and on and on - there are some awesome things in this book to encourage, inspire and help in the journey of grace - I make my decision today to live under grace, to be free to enjoy God, to live free from condemnation, to see myself as accepted, loved, clothed int he very righteousness of Jesus. Today I chose to give up trying and trying and trying and to rest in what Christ has won for me, I may have to make this choice tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day until grace is routed through me as a name through stick of rock.............

Oversized, superabounding grace.

2009-06-04T19:21:00.003+01:00

Here's a great quote on how big grace is:-

"There is enough grace in God's heart of love to save and keep saved for time and eternity, every sinner that ever has or ever will live, and then enough left over to save a million more universes full of sinners, were there such, and then some more. There is enough grace available to give every saint constant victory over sin, and then some more. There is enough grace to meet and cope with all the sorrows, heartaches, difficulties, temptations, testings, and trials of human existence, and more added to that. God's salvation is an oversize salvation. It is shock-proof, stain proof, unbreakable, all-sufficient. It is equal to every emergency, for it flows from the heart of an infinite God freely bestowed and righteously given through the all-sufficient sacrifice of our Lord on the Cross. Salvation is all of grace. Trust God's grace. It is a superabounding grace." Quote Kenneth Wuest.

CH Spurgeon on "My Grace Is Sufficient For You."

2009-05-29T07:11:00.003+01:00

I read this early this morning and it really hit home, made me smile but really got me thinking:-

There are many passages of Scripture which you will never understand until some trying experience shall interpret them to you. The other evening I was riding home after a heavy day's work; I was wearied and depressed; and swiftly and suddenly as a lightning flash, this text laid hold of me: "My grace is sufficient for you!" When I got home, I looked it up in the original, and finally it dawned upon me what the text was saying, MY grace is sufficient for THEE. "Why," I said to myself, "I should think it is!" and I burst out laughing. It seemed to make unbelief so absurd. It was though some little fish, being very thirsty, was troubled about drinking the river dry; and Father River said; "Drink away, little fish, my stream is sufficient for you!" Or as if a little mouse in the granaries of Egypt after seven years of plenty, feared lest it should die of famine, and Joseph said, "Cheer up, little mouse, my granaries are sufficient for you!" Again I imagines a man on the mountain saying to himself, "I fear I shall exhaust all the oxygen in the atmosphere." But the earth cries, "Breathe away, O man, and fill your lungs; my atmosphere is sufficient for you!" C.H. Spurgeon

Singing Love Songs......

2009-05-12T17:50:00.002+01:00

On Friday night at our praise team we sang the awesome song 'Hear these praises from a grateful heart.' This song ends with the line 'love you so much, Jesus, love you so much.' When we finished it all that was going through my head was the phrase of another song 'a love song to Jesus.' It kinda stuck with me all of Saturday and then on Sunday we sang the whole song again. There was a moment on Sunday in that service where it turned from us loving and adoring Jesus to sensing His love and His passion and His presence - it was awesome and words are really not enough to explain it. But as we stood singing love songs to the Lord I could hear this voice saying 'who is singing louder?' This question reminded me of that awesome passage from Zephaniah 3:17 where it says

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."

That phrase "He will rejoice over you with singing." Can you believe that the awesome creator of this Universe rejoices over us, delights in us! So it got me thinking and I looked the phrase up in other versions! Check this out:-

delight you with his songs (MSG)
he will joy over thee with singing (American Standard)
he will sing and be joyful about you (New Century Version)
He celebrates and sings because of you (Contemporary English Version

but then I checked the Amplified Version and this is worth the whole verse, it staggered me:-

"The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior, who saves!
He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest, in silent satisfaction,
and in His love He will be silent and make no mention of past sins,
or even recall them; He will exult over you with singing."

My conversation with God on Sunday morning went something like this:-
'Singing I love you Lord, I love you.'
'Who's singing louder?'
'What do you mean?'
'You sing with the vocal chords I have given you, but I rejoice over you with singing.'
'Over me Lord? But why? Look at this and this and this and this (list millions of faults and mistakes!)'
'I'm God - do I need a reason?'
'Well - no!'
'So who is singing louder?'

Words failed me at this point and all I could hear was that song resounding my head whose chorus goes like this:-
'Can you hear Him singing? I love you, I love you. Can you hear Him calling I want you I have chosen you to be mine?

Later I looked up the whole song - (sorry I can't find it on youtube) but the words are below as I read them I simply had to pray yet again 'Lord take this from my head to my heart..........'

JESUS LOVES THE CHURCH,
He gave Himself for His bride.
He knows what we will be,
A conquering army,
An unblemished people.
We're accepted, we're forgiven,
We're united with Him;
Not rejected, not forgotten,
Not abandoned in sin.

Can you hear Him singing,
'I love you, I love you'?
Can you hear Him calling,
'I want you, I have chosen you to be Mine'?

Jesus loves the church,
His passion through the ages.
Hell will not prevail.He builds us together,
A living temple.
We're accepted, we're forgiven,
We're united with Him;
Not rejected, not forgotten,
Not abandoned in sin

Mike Sandeman

Brain Overload

2009-05-09T05:11:00.003+01:00

Ever had the experience of not being able to sleep as your brain is working overtime? Woken up and not been able to get back to sleep because there is so much to think about?
This happens to me fairly frequently and at different levels! Sometimes it is just a few thoughts that really worry me so I think them through for ages. The early hours today have been very full of lots of thoughts - work, home, Church, other stuff - and then under all of those headings come another 62 sub-sections with sub-sections of their own! My brain can't keep up and can't switch off so rather than toss and turn the only option seems to get up and either do something or try and switch off!
One of my best and favourite 'thinking places' is behind a keyboard - when I type there is no pressure no one to shout me down, put me down, no one to say 'you're wrong, I'm right' - me and letters on little black keys and one awesome God....... I love the fact that God is beyond the alphabet that we have! Anyway here am I at silly o'clock in the morning with a brain that won't stop! But I will take the opportunity to post one of the songs that has had a massive playing and impact on me over the past few weeks. It is from the awesome album by Michael W Smith 'A New Hallelujah' - the version on the CD is with the African Childrens Choir and so here it is - bathe in these awesome words:-0

See on my journey of grace although I am purposefully putting myself in the line of absorbing some of the message of grace - listening to sermons and challenged by my pastors preaching recently to not just accept what he says but to look into it for myself; so in recent weeks I have been looking at exactly what the Bible says about grace on my own - but my findings will be blogged when I have done a bit more! :-)

Anyway as I was saying (sorry I do ramble when my brain is on overload) I have purposefully put myself in the line of fire with the message of grace but as I do so I am finding the message of grace on what I listen to, what people say to me and in my normal day to day reading of the Bible. It seems to come from every angle! This CD by Michael W Smith is something that God has really used. There is another song on the album which is Amazing Grace - but a version with an awesome and beautiful and stirring chorus so I have to post this too! The pictures aren't particularly helpful on this youtube clip but play it and let the words - thrill your heart "my chains fell off - my heart was free.....' Truly Amazing grace, unending love.............

The dilemma of public tears

2009-05-03T21:29:00.002+01:00

Anyone who read my previous post will know that the last few weeks have been frequented by tears. Those that have known me for many years will know that tears have often come. Scripture says that 'weeping will remain for a night but joy comes in the morning' - sometimes the night can be a long one and for me it is extremely long. I think I do pretty well at hiding the fact that so often I am near to tears. I rally myself, put all my efforts into a brave face and just tackle whatever the situation demands. I may fall apart when I am on my own, with my husband or in the shower but I will have gotten through the situation of that day.

This morning someone asked me something at Church after the morning service, I thought I could handle responding to them but alas I couldn't and didn't. I left Church with my head down through an exit that required seeing noone. I cried all the way home, I saw tears fall on my lasagna at lunch time! I spent the afternoon calming down, but the dilemma came for the evening service - groan - if I didn't go the person that asked me the question would feel that they had really upset me, but if I did go and someone spoke to me I knew that I was too close to tears. My hurt and pain may be deep down but at the moment it seems to be 'surface-mounted!' I hate to cry in public - the very thought of it turns my stomach, I don't want people to see that I am not coping. Public tears in a church setting can either be met with gracious loving people or a critical eye cast over your life. Very often the very thing that sparks the tears is not actually dealt with and you can leave that meeting feeling more depressed and just wanting to sob your heart out.

Years ago I remember someone praying for me and it was a painful area that they were praying about and I was weeping and then they switched suddenly for praying for God to stop the tears and fill me with His peace. It left me confused and my thinking was very much along the lines of 'yes it is ok to cry...BUT only with certain conditions and situations attached.' I wonder if the Church in 2009 is prepared to deal with the tears of the broken-hearted, those that face heartache on a daily basis!?!?

The more I hear about God being a God of grace the more confused I seem to get! If God is full of grace and He wishes to meet us in our need then why do we still hurt? If He does not require us to do certain things to obtain His blessing then why does He not bless? If He is loving to the depth and height that we read about how does He not seem to see the heartache of His precious children. Equating grace when looking at loss, heartache, tears is near impossible - yet something else that I need to add to my list when learning about grace.................

A week of tears

2009-04-25T14:53:00.002+01:00

This has been a week of tears for me in fact today I feel quite 'cried out' (although I have cried as I have typed this!!!). Last Sunday was an awesome day of worship, teaching and Holy Spirit encounters for various people in our Church. In the morning one of our elders, Ken, preached - it was an anointed word that was delivered with fire and obvious Holy Spirit anointing. A few things struck me from what Ken said as he spoke about the longing that we should have for more of God, as He spoke about faith even as a grain of mustard seed being enough and the call of 'Lord I believe, now help my unbelief.' A cry that has been much on my heart for the last 13-14 years (no joke!) but yet I still struggle with stirring up enough faith to believe God for specifics in relation to me - I have faith for other people, other situations, etc etc but bring it to a personal level and my faith shrinks to the size of that tiny mustard seed and I have to stir myself to pray "I believe you Lord, now help my unbelief." One of the phrases that hit me as Ken preached was "The kind of people God uses, are just the kind of people that the World says are useless." I know what it is like to feel completely useless, to not fulfill what I think I should and total inability to alter that!

On Sunday evening again another anointed sermon but this time the speaker was my pastor, Peter, he spoke from Mal 1v6-14. Stirring us not to bring God our left-overs, getting us to take a look at our view of God, looking at God's view of blemished sacrifices and the transforming power of God. I have to say that much of what Peter preached on was hard hitting, poignant stuff. I cannot do the sermon justice and would not dare to try to. As he preached I felt more and more unwell almost faint and had to just get some air for a moment or two - the thing is some of what he spoke on hit the core of things for me. The whole area of praying and faith and viewing God as a the God of grace that He is...... there are certain situations that my husband and I face on a day by day basis and to understand God as a God of grace in light of those situations is mind-blowing. It is so hard to try and grasp God as a generous, loving, grace abounding God when a situation that you are in is seemingly impossible and one that God, although as a God of grace who gives what we do not deserve, witholds despite the pain that it brings, the questions that is raises and the heartache that it installs. 'Hope deffered makes the heart sick' scripture tells us but when a God of grace could stop the hope deferring and chooses not to - where does that leave us? This is where the rubber hits the road isn't it? When we trust and have faith in a living awesome God and yet we don't see what we long for, pray for, hope for, yearn for. Sunday night I sobbed my heart out with my husband, I do not understand, Monday night the tears flowed again, Tuesday night I was so tearful I stayed away from people. Every day I get up put my 'I'm ok' mask on and plough my efforts into having a good day at work - doing my job well and having a laugh with my awesome colleagues but when I get home realities hit home. This week my husband has had to pick up the pieces, pass the tissues and sometimes just leave me alone to cry it through. It has been a tough road and yet again I try to work out God's Father heart, sovereign power and awesome grace when the pain is deep and the tears so real. I am so grateful for a husband who stands with me in the realities of day by day heartache and so very many disappointments.

Recently I purchased a new CD 'A New Hallelujah' by Michael W Smith - I can't recommend it enough - I have nearly worn out our copy already! It gets played daily in our house and even today has been blasting as I type! There are some awesome songs on the album - but there is one that Michael W Smith talks before he starts to sing and I have managed to find the exact thing on youtube - so if you are finding life a struggle as I have done recently - play this and let hope rise that help is on the way, that He will never leave you or forsake you, He sees your tears and that His arm is long enough to reach you where you are................

Monday Morning!

2009-04-13T08:59:00.003+01:00

It is Monday morning and I must confess that the last 24 hours have been a battle which I have blogged about elsewhere and as I have blogged I came across a prayer by A.W. Tozer and it has blessed my heart so I thought I would post it here:-

'O God, I have tasted Thy goodness and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen.' (A. W. Tozer)

This is the cry of my heart today in all the battles that I have been in recently; in the increasing longing for complete freedom and the desire to be liberated fully to enjoy grace I long to be hungrier and thirstier for Him cos nothing else will satisfy, nothing and noone else will do - how I need Him, how I long for a fresh touch from the King, how I desire an encounter with the lover of my soul.............

Reflections on "God is unfair"

2009-04-10T19:30:00.002+01:00

Earlier this week I was in a meeting where the leader was talking about the Easter story. There came a point when there was discussion over the thief on the cross and when Jesus said to him 'today you will be with me in paradise.' The comment came that one of the things that this taught us was that 'God is unfair.' I must confess that I have been mulling this over for a few days and have talked about it both with my husband and a couple of others. The conclusion I have come to is that 'unfair' is not the right word! Perhaps it would be more correct to say that this shows us how merciful God is, how deep His love that rather than ask the thief to prove anything, He just displayed mercy beyond our comprehension! Such I guess highlights again the grace of God - something that I am trying to start to grasp after many years of walking with the Lord.

Legalism can't cope with the thief on the cross, faith with works cannot cope with the thief on the cross, treating God like He is anything like an ordinary man cannot cope with the thief on the cross - everything in us, humanly, cries that the thief did not deserve paradise! But this is the essence of grace isn't it - the complete opposite of what we deserve..........so the only 'unfairness' (in want of a better word!) that I can see is that rather than punish us, rather than declare us guilty, rather than condemn us - He bestows on us overwhelming grace and mercy, instead of despising us because of our sin, failures, mistakes, blunders and stupidty He lavishes us with His abundant love, instead of treating us as outcasts He not only takes us in but adopts us as His own and not only that but makes us co-heirs with Christ. When you look at it this way there is a grateful heart for that 'unfairness,' for that great mercy, for His grace. Next time someone says "God is unfair" I guess I will have to agree with them - if He was 'fair' then I would be on the scrapheap, I would be condemned, I would be facing eternal punishment, I would be without hope, but instead I have a Saviour, I have Jesus - the price is paid in full, no more to pay, I know that one day I will see Him face to face and it won't be facing Him knowing that He is angry with me and He will just be passing sentence on this sinner, but instead I will be facing Him knowing that He loves me and that He purchased my freedom at an awesome price - such love, such mercy, such grace...................

Grace is Ridiculous!!!!!

2009-04-07T07:40:00.002+01:00

What a bizarre title for a brief blog!
Last night my husband and I spent time chatting through the whole subject of grace. We were talking about how much easier it is to comprehend law and living under legalism. It is easier to accept to understand and to get your head round - BUT it isn't what God has given us under the new covenant. It is then that this phrase got mentioned 'Grace is ridiculous.' Think about it for a moment the awesome creator, maker, sustainer of the Universe - God - an awesome God, He sent His one and only Son, Jesus, to not only die for us but to take the punishment that we deserved........everything that we deserved not only dealt with - but on top of that He lavished so much on each one of us - no wonder it is so hard to take it in!!!!!

The Battle for Unlearning Law and Living in Grace

2009-04-05T13:13:00.002+01:00

After my last blog about grace being confusing I was e-mailing my precious brother in the Lord, Dan Bowen about how tough the battle is for grace and one thing that he said to me really hit me, he said:-

I think it must be because the powers of darkness KNOW that here

is the key to freedom for God's people.

The reason that the battle for grace is that obvious! The enemy does not want us to free, liberated or passionate. I have seen and felt first hand over recent months the adverse reactions physically, mentally and spiritually when grace is preached. The last couple of days there have been other battles in my life - plans that I had made have not happened for one reason or another. I have tried listening to some of Rob Rufus messages from his archive but have been unable (as yet) to get my computer to open any of the files. Again I think that the enemy doesn't want me to hear grace, yesterday afternoon I sat at my craft desk which is right next to our computer and had the grace stream tv resounding round the study for a number of hours. This morning again I have had the grace stream tv on inbetween waiting on my husband (he's not well :-( )and doing things around the house - I am determined to get my brain and heart etc etc tuned in to being used to hearing about grace. I have been amazed at some of what I have heard. My pastor reminded me yesterday that I need to be praying that I would unlearn living in law and actually start praying that instead of the message of grace making me feel unwell that I need to ask the Lord to make the message of legalism detestable to me.

I need to surround myself with people that speak grace over me and I need to hear it and take it on board rather than living under guilt and condemnation because I haven't made the grade........ the journey for living free in grace isn't necessarily easy!!!!!

Grace is confusing!

2009-03-28T08:41:00.003Z

I have been thinking a lot about grace over recent months and have come to the decision that grace is so hard to fathom and grasp. With some people when you talk of grace they instantly go on the defensive saying that preaching grace gives people license to sin and doesn't give the call that people need to walk in holiness. Others radiate a smile and seem to blossom as you talk of grace - they send out this radiant smile as they realise the depth of their sin and bigness of God's grace and the depths He went to for them. The contrasts are startling! The contrasts are extreme - from serious caution, to awesome, uninhibited rejoicing - but yet both people are saved, both love Jesus, both have a relationship with God - it confuses me!?!?!...........

Snakes and Ladders of Learning About Grace!

2009-02-14T14:21:00.003Z

I have not blogged for ages! I have come to the decision that the Christian walk is very much like the game of snakes and ladders at times!!! Very profound I know! You could say the last 3 - 4 months have been a case of a few squares forward and then I have hit a 'snake' and gone down a row and then hit another 'snake' on that row and at times I have felt like I was very much back to square 1!

But over this last week there have been some changes - a timely prophetic word cut through the fog and got me thinking! Some encouragement from my husband and other trusted friends and then the decision to start once again to look at grace and to start over and ask God for some revelation and fresh focus.

This morning I started to read 'Captured by Grace' by David Jeremiah. I read the first chapter and to say that I was encouraged would be an understatement!
Here are some snippits from David Jeremiah's first chapter of this book!

"There is no more wonderful word than 'grace.' It means unmerited favor or kindness shown to one who is utterly undeserving.......It is not merely a free gift, but a free gift to those who deserve exact opposite, and it is given to us while we are 'without hope and without God in the world." (Quoting Martyn Lloyd-Jones)

'Grace happens and it acts. "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8) Such grace can only come from God. It is the gift unsought, unmerited, unlimited. For no matter what we have done, no matter the depth of our transgression, the darkness of our hearts - grace overrules them all. God pursues us relentlessly, He will not give us up, and once He has captured us, He won't let us go.'

'Grace is the bridge over a chasm that seemed infinite - the canyon between our depravity and His holiness. That bridge is wide and sturdy and sure, beckoning to us to cross over into a life too wonderful for us to imagine.'

'Grace is too dazzling, too bright, for it is powered by the holy heart of God. Trying to comprehend it in whole is like staring directly into one thousand suns.'

Awesome quotes from David Jeremiah - but then he blew me away with this section and I have to type this up because it blessed my heart so much when I read it this morning - read this, drink of the awesome, generous, extravagance of our God who goes beyond mercy and blesses us with grace and with a bounty beyond words..............

Mercy is God withholding the punishment we rightly deserve. Grace is God not only withholding that punishment but offering the most precious of gifts instead.

Mercy withholds the knife from the heart of Isaac.
Grace provides a ram in the thicket.

Mercy runs to forgive the Prodigal Son.
Grace throws a party with every extravagance.

Mercy bandages the wounds of the man beaten by the robbers.
Grace covers the cost of his full recovery.

Mercy hears the cry of the thief on the cross.
Grace promises paradise that very day.

Mercy pays the penalty for our sin at the cross.
Grace substitutes the righteousness of Christ for our wickedness.

Mercy converts Paul on the road to Damascus.
Grace calls him to be an apostle.

Mercy saves John Newton from a life of rebellion and sin.
Grace makes him a pastor and author of a timeless hymn.

Mercy closes the door to hell.
Grace opens the door to heaven.

Mercy withholds what we have earned.
Grace provides blessings we have not earned.

Today is a new start on the road of the journey of learning about grace - I have key friends who will help me land on the 'ladders' but there is grace for hitting the 'snakes' - one thing that I have to learn that such a journey is not one to be journeyed alone; it is to be shared and it will be eventful!
I had to smile this morning as I put on a new jumper - never noticed this when I purchased it but the label inside says 'Grace', I brought another top at the same time and this one is also labelled with 'Grace' - so already today I am clothed in grace - God has a sense of humour!!!

Life, healing, moving forward

2008-11-20T13:57:00.003Z

It has been a few weeks since our car accident, there have been some tough days over the last few weeks - some dark days of feeling useless and frustration that my body didn't do what my head wanted it to!
Last week I continued to get pains down my arms and to lift my hands in worship was just either impossible or so painful that my focus was quickly removed from God so in times of worshipped they hovered as low as possible and I was desperate for God to act!
On Sunday morning last week I went to Church and had already said to my husband I must get some prayer about this pain - being dependent for weeks on any painkillers I could get hold of and a muscle relaxant meant that when the tablets wore off I returned to pain. So Sunday morning after the service my pastor, my husband and a lady from the Church prayed for me - I left the Church being able to lift my hands above my head and returned home feeling like I had a new neck and back. This week I have felt 'twingy' on and off and this morning I managed 3 hours in the office - am hoping for a few more tomorrow! But I know that since they prayed on Sunday I haven't taken one single tablet and all I can say is that God has made a difference to this healing process.

Yesterday the new car arrived and at last I feel like I can move onwards and upwards knowing that even if there are bumps in the road nothing is too big for my God to handle!

Photos

2008-11-11T21:22:00.005Z

OK just for Lydia after her comment on my facebook wall I have changed the profile picture but the only other pictures of me are with family - so this is what I look like with a niece and at work!! Ha! Ha! Obviously in my defence Facebook is much easier for photos than blogspot!

How quickly your day can change!

2008-10-27T05:14:00.003Z

On Friday we were travelling North to see my family and to celebrate with my Nan as she is 90 on Monday - Friday night we were to have a family meal early in the evening and Saturday saw a social gathering where 90-100 people showed up to wish her a happy birthday. All in all a good time was in store - my Nan is a wonderful woman who was saved and baptised at 83 and whose baptismal service is so memorable!

Anyway back to Friday! We had decided the M25 would be a good route but when we found most of it stationary we headed off and I did my map reading through the countryside so that we kept moving. Out for a meal at 6 and knowing that I really wanted a shower and to iron my husbands shirt before we went out plus bad traffic made us eager to get there! We came to a junction on a road - the car two in front stopped to turn right, the van in front of us stopped, we stopped but the van behind us didn't and without warning suddenly my day changed. The impact flung us forward, the bar under my chair went into my ankle, the van behind embedded into the back of our car. It wasn't a fair fight - he was bigger, he was moving......

When we arrived at my Mum's I said to her that I could not believe how quickly our day had changed - one moment all was well the next I was just grateful that other vehicles, signposts, ditches had all been avoided, grateful that I was alive and so was my husband - sounds melo-dramatic but it's true!

Malcolm is running an Alpha Course at the moment at the Church with a wonderful team of people - we always wonder at the beginningof the course what is going to happen - usually something happens that disruptes our lives, takes our attention or seems to take us out of action - but this is an all time classic doing all at once! Our car will probably be written off - time will be needed to deal with insurance and organise courtesy cars while it is looked at, both us have whiplash and sleep doesn't come comfortably, we need to look into getting a new car and this will take time and money - everything changed in those few seconds. I know that God is bigger than all of this - when we purchased our car which came out a huge blessing from someone the guy in the garage described what we needed as a 'miracle car' and on Friday it lived up to its name and miraculously we were not hurt more than we were. My husband tells me it is though God had said 'so far but no further' to the enemy. God had His hand of protection upon us of that I remain convinced!

Jesus went that far for me.......

2008-10-17T22:57:00.003+01:00

Ever been locked out?
This morning we shut the door to our house, looked at one another and realised that between us we had a car key but no house key - I rummaged through my bag desperate to find the house keys to no avail. Fortunately we have had some work done on our bathroom and we knew that we could get a key from our builder - but not until several hours later!
What was strange is that we still owned the property, it still belonged to us but for those hours we couldn't get access! It felt weird - we didn't need to go home as we were at work but if we had of needed to or wanted to we couldn't!
Sometimes I feel like that with my relationship with God - He is there, I still belong to Him, there is no question that He is Lord of my life but I feel like I am 'locked out' unable to break through and enter in to all the things that He has for me.
This week I have been reading more sermons by Smith Wigglesworth and he really is straight down the line - he calls a spade, a spade but I can't quite grasp that if the Bible says things then why doesn't God seem to do what we think His word is saying, why is it that at times I feel locked out - like the blessing is not for me.

This afternoon my husband and I sat and watched two DVD sessions by Louie Giglio on Hope and where is God when life hurts the most - I would recommend anyone to get them but warn you to watch with a tissue box near at hand - I did cry and so did my husband! Louie pointed out that Jesus said we will have trouble in this lifetime - and we do but he went on to point out that when the depths are at their deepest to look at the cross - he explained that when you look at the cross even if everything is falling apart you will realise afresh that Jesus died for you because He loves you....... tonight at the music practice we sang a song that has a line 'I stand forgiven at the cross.' It was hard not to weep all over again - He went to those lengths for you and for me and even though life is tough, even though this week has been an exhausting struggle, even though I have felt really low - noone can alter the fact that He loves me (even when it is hard to feel it!) indeed He went that far, to the cross for me!

The Rollercoaster

2008-09-30T20:27:00.002+01:00

A couple of blogs ago I said about the stained glass masquerade, last blog was Louie Giglio in his ever-encouraging style. If there is one thing I have noticed since I started blogging was how either 'up or down' my blogs tend to be. There have been awesome encounters with God, followed by crashing lows. I am just wondering if anyone has worked out how to change the rollercoaster into something more like a train or a tram - a steady even route with no major dips or highs!??!?

I have sat here tonight pondering things - all sorts of things - how can I change this, how can I share this load, this heartache, how can I let the lid of this can without the contents spurting out, hurting others, myself and actually not being helpful.

I look at my circle of people I trust and it has grown smaller over years - and now I feel like sharing is just too risky - better to keep up the masquerade - but is that healthy or helpful? I just wonder.............

Timely encouragement

2008-09-29T20:57:00.002+01:00

This is 8 minutes long but worth every moment for the encouragement........

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

2008-09-27T17:41:00.002+01:00

One of my favourite groups are Casting Crowns - I love their honest lyrics and the music. Over these last few weeks when so much has been going on I have been maintaining the mask of everything is ok and this song has been repeatedly in my mind. For those who are unfamiliar of the song here it is -

I have highlighted a few of the phrases that have been so true for me in the lyrics below - I wonder if I am the only one that finds Church one of the hardest places to be really open...........

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

"Stained Glass Masquerade" Words and Music by Mark Hall and Nichole Nordeman Performed by Casting Crowns

Total Desperation For The Presence of God

2008-08-25T05:36:00.001+01:00

I am not satisfied!
In recent days I have found myself more and more hungry for just being in that place of intimacy with God - I have been to Church services and have left feeling disappointment that I came sang, listened and left - there has been a growing sense of desperation not simply to be in His house but to be in His presence - to know a deeper encounter with the Lord. Then last night my pastor brought a word about the presence of God and I must confess I left feeling more hungry than ever, I am so desperate for the Lord. I long to be in His presence and last night at the end of the sermon I was reminded of an old chorus by Noel Richards that goes like this:-

To Be In Your Presence

To sit at Your feet,

Where Your love surrounds me,

And makes me complete.

This is my desire, O Lord,

This is my desire

This is my desire, O Lord,

This is my desire

To rest in Your presence,

Not rushing away;

To cherish each moment,

Here I would stay.

I have been awake since about 3am and this song has been going round my head - this desire to just be with Him almost throbs in the core of my being - I cannot be the sort of Christian that is happy simply for encounters with God at designated Church meetings! How does anyone rely simply on a weekly or twice weekly or even three times a week encounter with Him - I can't go on at all unless I know an encounter with Him!

A few weeks ago I had a major encounter with God (funny how we scale these things) but I have to say that I have not known such a deep rooted encounter with God on such a scale for a long time - I cannot describe it other than to say I know that God stepped over the threshold of all the stuff in my life that I had fenced up and He stripped it away, He healed some areas of my life and since then I have known a lightness and a release unprecedented than any other time I can recall. What strikes me though is since then, I was talking with my husband about that night and he said something that hit me - he said, 'it was a start, God needs to do more.' In my juvenile moment I was like "more, but God has dealt with so much, surely I am OK now...." that was my honest inward feeling. But over the last three weeks or so as I have read various books and been in the Word the more I realise that encounter is and was not enough..........

..........I just had a breather to get a glass of water and it struck me that some may not understand this wonderful, awesome touch from God and then a realisation that what I have experienced is not enough. I had a glass of water before I went to bed but now I need another one - last nights glass of water is not enough for now or later......... it is like that with our walk with God I guess. It's an ongoing need. Yesterday I really sensed God's presence during the Sunday services at Church - but I need to know fresh encounters with God, I need to know His presence more and more. I am desperate and hungry and thirsty and longing with my whole being to be in His presence, to just sit at His feet, to know His love, to know that 'completeness,' to have the courage not to rush on (something I am too good at!), to learn to tarry more and just 'be.' I am with the Psalmist when he cried out 'better is one day in your house than a thousand elsewhere.'

I have to be honest and put a health-warning on this desperation for the presence of God - His presence is totally addictive! I kid you not! Once you have tasted of that intimacy, that moment when He waltzes in to your situation and lifts your burdens, when He cuts through the mess of your life with a prophetic word, when in the silence of the moment there is that 'I love you' song emanating from the throne, the brief moment when your despair turns like a click of the fingers into hope, when your heart ache turns into a new ache of gratitude and love, when you know His prompting and you have no option but to read what He lays on your heart or to sing that song when all of a sudden you seem transported from the city of this Earth to the city where all the worshippers sing one song, where things of this earth don't seem to matter any longer. I am so hungry and I am so desperate - I long, I feel parched for His presence, I cannot go on without Him. There are more encounters scheduled - He knows my days - but I long for them, I hunger for Him, I am simply laid bare and desperate for Him. No other touch is like His, no other voice is like His, no other presence is like His, I feel like I am in a dry lock of a canal and the other side of these gates is a mighty potential - the gates seem to open and for a time there is an abundance and an overwhelming and an exhilaration but then it seems like the lock drys up again and I am left looking for these gates to be opened afresh - I have had enough of the canal - I want the constant stream, the river - the constant flow with no lock, no damn, I agree with the song-writer! This is my desire O Lord, this is my desire - to be at His feet, to know His presence, to hear His voice, to hear His love songs over me, to not rush any longer - to just be in His presence.......

New Blog

2008-08-17T05:17:00.003+01:00

As I start to type this it is the early hours of Sunday morning - can't sleep and I have been mulling over LOTS of things! I have realised that 'From Head to Heart' has become more of a blog over my journey from legalism to living in the abundant grace of God - it is a journey that I am taking slowly and learning day by day that God's grace is not dependent upon me or my performance, or anything like that, so I am taking the courageous but yet scary (and maybe stupid) step of setting up a new blog which relates more to my walk with God through childlessness and infertility.

Although my journeys are linked I pray that there will be a fresh anointing of fire both for the understanding and acceptance of the grace of God as well as the daily walk with God through the ache of experiencing God giving and then taking away and seemingly not giving again...........

The Voice of Truth

2008-08-16T21:46:00.003+01:00

For those of you who know me or have read my book you will know that I love music - I love stuff that gets my focus on God in song, I love worship, I love that moment in the shower when singing turns to praise and as the water just keeps coming and so does song after song (not sure my neighbours are so keen though!!!).
One of my favourite groups is Casting Crowns - they are awesome - they have written songs that echo so much for me so many times - 'Praise you in this storm' and 'I am yours' are some of my favourites but recently the song that has been on the top of my playlist is 'the voice of truth,' which I will put here in case you haven't heard it!

Anyway recently I have found myself having to stand against the stuff that the enemy has had a go at me over or just simply acknowledging that some things that I have thought about myself or situations are actually contradicting that voice of truth! I have even found myself singing at the enemy 'but the voice of truth tells me a different story....' etc etc!

What has struck me in recent days when I have looked at e-mails that we have received from our website Hope When It Hurts that I have realised that time and time again folks have felt the same way as me, have been afraid of the 'what ifs.' The Casting Crowns song goes on to say 'the voice of truth says do not be afraid.'
Now is the time for listening more to the voice of truth than the stuff that people in this World and the stuff that the enemy throws at you! When the enemy places the next day, week, month, year or even decade before you and threatens you with 'what if this happens or doesn't happen' and you feel overwhelmed with the whole idea of the future and what it holds, when you feel like you can't go on and that the battle is not worth it, when you get discouraged and disheartened with life, with your job, with your walk, with the lack of answers to prayer then sing along with me 'but the voice of truth tells me a different story.....'
Someone reminded me fairly recently of a quote (and forgive me I can't remember who originally said it) that "when the enemy reminds you of your past, remind him of his future." Let's stand on the truth of the Word of God no matter what others say, no matter what our circumstances say, no matter what the situation - let's listen to the voice of truth rather than the nonsense that so easily overwhelms us! Easy to post I know and much harder to do in the dark times (I know it too well!) but take heart my friend - the voice of truth remains true!

God's Protection

2008-08-11T18:38:00.002+01:00

I am astounded by God's protection even when we are foolish! What do I mean!? On Thursday we put air in our tyres noticing that one was very low - but never thought to actually check the tyre. Friday we drove up north - we were on the road with a few stop offs at various places from 10am through to 5pm - was a long journey, Saturday we took a long drive with family from near York to Scarborough, at late on Saturday my brother-in-law mentioned that he was concerned about one of our tyres so Sunday morning we took it off the car to put the spare on. When we took the tyre from the car to our horror there was a massive hole on the inside - despite the concern on Thursday we didn't check the inside of the tyre and yet God looked after us - we could easily have had a nasty accident - God certainly watched over our comings and goings (Ps 121) over this weekend!

The Adventure of Learning About Grace

2008-08-04T09:07:00.003+01:00

I heard a sermon recently where the preacher's ending line was 'God is both gracious and severe' but then he went on to emphasis the severe and seemed to me to just mention the 'gracious part.' My husband and I spent some time afterwards talking about the fact that we are under the New Covenant and even though the wrath of God and the Justice of God are very real - we do need to comprehend that God IS love - it doesn't just say that God is loving - it is His nature - you cannot separate God and love. But also His character is shown through grace - through the fact that God sent Jesus to deal with all of our punishment - His amazing grace stooped and saved us.

We are on holiday this week and I have brought a stack of books with me to read! (And I brought Todd Bentleys from CLC London on the way through on Saturday! Should be interesting!) anyway - a book that I am half way through travelled with us and yesterday I read some and again this morning and it is an adventure! The book is called 'Grace Choices' by Jeff Lucas and I simply want to share with you some of the things I have read in my adventure of learning about grace even in the last 24 hours! The chapter that I have read is chapter 4 entitled "I will refuse to argue with God's gracious forgiveness" and this is a chapter full of meaty, really helpful stuff - I would highly recommend it to anyone who is on the same adventure as me!

"How often we are like Peter, who had to be told not to 'call unclean that which God callled clean.' So often we do the very same thing: except we are calling ourselves unclean when God has a different verdict about us because of what Jesus has done."

(Grace Choices by Jeff Lucas page 63)

Oh my goodness..... what revelation to me this small statement was - my arguement with God has been so often and yet in saying that I am unclean I am actually contradicting God all because of Jesus - even this one small thought has been mind-blowing! It has made me realise afresh the amazing sacrifice of Jesus and that it is indeed completely finished - Peter Day, my pastor has recently being reminding me that all my sin was paid for on the cross, his reminders have been that all our sin is 'future sin' all paid for on the cross and of course we hadn't sinned when Jesus died as we weren't alive! So God says that I am clean becuase the sacrifice has been paid already, the sacrifice was complete covering all my sin past, present and future so I need to stop arguing with God! I am clean!

"It seems that we humans are prone to reverse the prayer of Jacob, who wrestled with God and yelled, 'I will not let you go until you bless me....' We are more likely to pray, 'I will not let you bless me, let me go.' The issue is sharply focused when we consider God's offer to forgive us. Simply put, we struggle and fight with his kindness; some of us feeling unworthy of it (which is ironic - we are unworthy). For whatever reason, some of us seem to want to choose condemnation over freedom."

(Grace Choices by Jeff Lucas page 64)

What a challenge - for me I need to change my attitude, my heart and my head and choose freedom - when the enemy comes in like a flood to choose freedom, to not listen to accusation and condemnation and live under a cloud but to choose freedom!

"Condemnation and shame all too often blight our lives and eclipse the light of grace.
Typically shame overshadows us when:-

We have been raised on a constant emotional diet of being told that we are no good.
We are part of a local church that is more of a 'guilt machine' than a community of grace.
We have sinned in a specific area and have repented, but can't forgive ourselves or accept that we have been forgiven.
We have a faith that is dominated by subjective feelings rather than trust in what God says to us about our being forgiven in Scripture.

Lucas goes on to say:- "When we choose shame over grace, moments of 'spiritual high' are blighted by mental 'video replays' of our embarrassing and shameful history. And we begin to lose hope, because we are blinded to any steps of growth and change........"

"Even the most proficient can be unaware of any giftedness or progress in their lives if they are preoccupied with shame. Whatever their accomplishments, they remain on the treadmill of failure. One committed Christian wrote of how she 'lugs around inside of me a dead weight of not-enough-goodness.'

(Grace Choices by Jeff Lucas)

All I can say to this part of Lucas' book is how it has hit me - how much of this is spot on for me! Condemnation and shame are something that I have battled with since my earliest recollection - Sadly it is true. But things are due to change and this adventure of delving into grace I can see unravelling things in my head and in time I am praying that it will saturate through from my thinking to my heart! Lucas is so helpful in describing the 'video replays' after a spiritual high - I am sure that I am not the only one that has an encounter with God - something tangible has happened and a weight lifted and then within minutes or hours the goodness is robbed by those mental replays of some sin, some attitude, some lie of the enemy that I haven't met the grade or let people down etc etc - this is a time for change and those that know me are welcome to challenge me if they see me slipping back to living under condemnation or shame - I am a grace daughter - birthed and living under grace!!!! The dead weight of 'not-good-enoughness' has to be cut off and the simple declaration that 'I am, what and, who I am simply under the grace of God.' The relief that this brings no more striving - the thriving will come - I can almost feel it rising up!

Jeff Lucas goes on to deal with 'Choosing Freedom From False Guilt' and he gives some very helpful steps that although "not offered as a simplisitc solution to deep psychological scars but offered to help us to begin our exodus from shame." I found this very helpful which is why I wanted to include them on my blog:-

Realise that there is a strategy to rob you of grace: you are not abnormal or alone in these struggles - they are very common. We must not be ignorant about the tactics and schemes of the enemy (Eph 6:11), as well as the general struggles that human beings have with grace and free gifts.
Be clear about the issue - if you feel guilt because of current sin, then deal with that - do not try to reject genuine conviction by calling it shame.
Recognize that our feelings are not the final arbiter of truth. Scripture is - and God's word about His willingness graciously to forgive is our final authority (1 John 1:9). As Christians, we say that we believe in the inspiration of Scripture - why not accept and believe what God has to say about grace and forgiveness?
Refuse to argue with God's verdict - when He pronounces us clean, when we choose to rest in that decision.

I just found these so incredibly helpful - I know that the enemy so often tries to make me feel that I am abnormal with the battles that I face and even that can bring folks down and make them feel isolated - I have been there! If we bring this sort of thing in to the light and admit that it is a battle there would be many released from feeling alone in the battle! The enemy isn't very good at trying new tactics - in fact he doesn't need to because the old strategies that he has used time and time again prove still affective on God's beloved! I like the fact that Lucas does highlight that there is still genuine conviction - we can't simply dismiss things as condemnation or attack if in fact we have actually sinned! Feelings don't tell us the truth - this is where I struggle so often and why my prayer is that God would take stuff from my head into my heart so that my feelings are more in line with what He says! Finally the challenge not to argue any longer with God's verdict - the price is paid! I am clean - I need to learn to live and rest in this unalterable fact!

Finally Lucas ends this chapter with a quote from John Newton in his latter years although he has adapted the quote from Kenneth W. Osbeck Amazing Grace (Grand Rapids;Kregel Publishing 1990) and I want to also end on this quote for indeed we are great sinners but He is a greater Saviour:-

'My memory is nearly gone, but I remember two things:

that I am a great sinner and that Christ is a great Saviour!'

Surprised By God

2008-07-31T21:22:00.007+01:00

Have you ever been surprised by God?

I have- a number of times and tonight He did it again. I have spent much of the week battling and at the same time as the battle being on I have been saying 'Lord please make me pliable in Your hands.' The more I have asked Him to be God to me, to work a miracle in my heart, to transform me, to soften the exterior of ok-ness and melt my heart, the more I have prayed the more He has spoken and as He has spoken I have written what He has said on a post-it note and stuck it on the wardrobe door which is right next to my bed!

I have been surprised in a week the stash of encouragements on my door so I thought that I would share them with you - they may just bless and encourage someone else as they have me this week!

I have already blogged about Sunday morning and the

'Not just to survive, not to strive but time to thrive'

but also on Sunday in my quiet time I read this by Billy Graham:-

"A victorious Christian is one who, in spite of worries, inner conflicts and

tensions is confident that God is in control and will be victorious in the end. Whatever our difficulties, whatever our circumstances, we must remember

as Corrie Ten Boom used to say 'Jesus is victor!'"

Then before the service I was in the Psalms and I read these verses 21-31 from Psalm 109:-

v22 "For I am poor and needy. And my heart is wounded within me"

v26 "Help me, O Lord my God! Oh save me according to Your mercy,

that they may know that this is Your hand - That You Lord have done it!

Let them curse, but You bless; when they arise, let them be ashamed,

but let Your servant rejoice. Let my accusers be clothed with shame,

and let them cover themselves with their own disgrace as with a mantle.

I will greatly praise the Lord with my mouth.

Yes I will praise Him among the multitude.

For He shall stand at the right hand of the poor,

to save him from those who condemn him."

Monday morning I was reading Billy Graham again and this is what he said:-

"Even when our way seems unclear, God gives us light.

He gives us His Word, the Bible, He also gives us wisdom

(sometimes through other people) to understand our situation,

and He gives the Holy Spirit to guide us."

Billy Graham

I have to say that I was so encouraged that God does use other people - yes He gives us His Word and His Holy Spirit but He also gives us one another. He knows what we are like!

Then also on Monday I read these precious words from Psalm 6v8-9

"Depart from me, all you workers of inquity;

for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my supplication.

The Lord will receive my prayer

Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled;

let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly."

Tuesday I read this verse in Isaiah 41v13 and it jumped out of the page and grabbed me:-

'I am the Lord your God, who holds your right hand,

and I tell you, "Don't be afraid. I will help you."'

And over the last two days - these verses have blessed my heart as I have read them:-

"The Lord will also be a refuge for the oppressed.

A refuge in times of trouble.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;

for You Lord have not forsaken those who seek You."

Psalm 9 v 9 & 10.

"Before they call, I will answer:

And while they are still speaking, I will hear."

Isaiah 65v24

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal

but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds."

2 Corinthians 10 v 4 In fact I read this in the morning and

someone gave read it to me again this evening!

You see the thing is the battle this week has been different - different how? I hear you ask! Well the enemy has tried to whisper all kinds of lies but rather than being occupied with them I have been asking God to speak, to give me peace, to come and do something where the striving and just surviving mentality are cut off and the thriving can begin - this evening it happened! Something changed the weight of so many things that I don't even want to bore you with or even to spend a moment thinking on were replaced with a lightness in my spirit, in my mind - a transaction took place this evening and I am astounded afresh with the goodness of God, but challenged afresh even by the title of my blog - I want this to move from my head to my heart, to be thrilled again, to be romanced again by the Lover of My Soul. The timely post-it notes of this week have led up to God tangibly moving along with my yielding to Him and my request before Him to do something new................... and now I hunger more than ever for more of Him!

Surviving, striving - no more! Time for thriving!

2008-07-28T19:02:00.003+01:00

Yesterday morning during the worship at Church there was a moment when we really broke through and you could tangibly feel the presence of God, it was like fresh air blowing over me and it was a moment of really intimate time with the Lord. For that moment I forgot where I was and even that anyone else was in the room and it was just me and my Abba.

I had a real sense of God speaking and I wrote this down as the worship carried on, this is what I felt God was saying to me:-

Not just to survive,

Not to strive,

But it is time to thrive.

I have been mulling this over along with some verses from Psalm 109 and some awesome stuff that Billy Graham has written and it all seems to weave together. I realised on reflection of that moment in worship yesterday that in recent weeks, months and perhaps even years I have been living just to simply survive. The masquerade, the mask of I am ok - all in place simply to get from one day to the next and at the same time there has been this huge effort to keep going, to make sure that things are in place - striving and striving simply to survive not even to grow or to move. Then the final line - time to thrive - I feel like I am on a threshold, on the edge of something taking place to move from just making it by - to growing, to flourishing, to thriving.

There is a mix of excitement and fear - excitement that God is going to bring me into a new season, fear that I will miss it and stay in the cycle of just surviving - I pray that it will all be God that He will do a new thing and will help me to move in step with Him into the new thing!

"I'm fine, how are you?"

2008-07-19T13:40:00.003+01:00

I wonder if you have ever been really desperate for something to happen?
I have known this so much in most of my adult life, a real desperation for a miracle to take place for me and for my husband. Sometimes I have been more desperate for a miracle for him than for me.
I wonder if you know what it is like for God to give and that moment when your heart soars and you are so thrilled and delighted and so grateful....
I wonder if you know what it is like for God to take away and that moment when the bottom seems to drop out from under your feet........
I wonder if you know what it is like to place expectations on yourself of how you should be and then realise that what you have expected is beyond what it should be? I wonder if you have then realised that but not been able to be free from those expectations?
I wonder if you have felt hollow and alone and unable to break through?
I wonder if you have ever considered where you have been, where you are now and what the future looks like and felt completely overwhelmed?
I wonder if sometimes we do feel so trapped that we don't share with people and actually we feel the same way but cannot break through.....
Yesterday a friend of mine asked me in a an e-mail the question 'How are you doing?'
It is a phrase that generally I will answer 'fine, how are you?' or some non-descript reply but I realised that the person asking me wasn't asking merely to get a 'pat' answer. They were asking because they wanted the truth! I wasn't actually sure how to respond - I couldn't say fine because recently things have been tough going, I couldn't say 'I'm fine' because they knew me too well to accept that. As I sat at my keyboard I found myself typing "That's a hard one to answer at the moment but I am so glad that I have a faithful God who will not let me down."

My friend responded quickly saying that actually that was a good place to be. It got me thinking!!! - With all the struggles of life if we just realise how faithful our God is - that He isn't a God of mood swings or change - that He is the same, yesterday, today and forever - that His very nature is consistent then for that moment it puts everything we face into perspective!
Even in the last 24 hours there have been battles, struggles and discouragements - everything seems to pile in but last night I committed in the car on the way to a meeting to put God in the centre, to let Him be my focus, to have all my concentration, to have my focus - to begin with I thought that the evening was going to be terrible, but you know what happened - just in praising the God who 'gives and takes away' just praising my faithful God who will never let me down - just realising afresh that He cares about all the baggage, stresses, cares, He cares about all the details, He cares about the midnight hour, He cares about the discouragements, He cares about the knock-backs, He cares about they way others treat me, He cares about the longings and desperation's of my heart........ doesn't mean to say that I don't hurt - no way! I have spent the last week battling to subdue tears, battling to put on a mask of ok-ness - believe me it still hurts but I have to come afresh with all my brokenness and praise Him in the storm with all the stuff that continues to be so tough! As the Casting Crowns song says that 'you are who you are no matter where I am' - it is an awesome song that gives the challenge to praise in the storm anyway and even when it is hard to find Him because of the darkness and the rain and the thunder - anyway here is the song to bless you whether you are in the sunshine of blessing or the battle of the storm............

Broken Heart

2008-07-12T15:37:00.001+01:00

This song sums it up - only Jesus can heal a broken heart..............

.........how I need Him to do that for me!

Draw Me Close To You Lord, help me know you are near.

2008-07-04T13:30:00.000+01:00

Anyone that has read my previous recent posts will know that I have been on a journey recently - a journey of feeling that I know the direction that God is leading, the next steps as it were. There has been a sense of encouragement over various things and for a first time in a long time I have heard the Father singing over me after a period where I felt almost spiritually deaf and seemed unable to hear anything but the condemning voices - however there was a break in the darkness and a lightness in the atmosphere - awesome.

In the last few days it seems that it has been one thing after another that has pulled me down and reminded me that once again I need to ask my Heavenly Father to do a new thing, to come and ease things - there needs to be that tenacity that says even though things are tough and perhaps I am struggling I will still worship Him, I will seek His face, I will hold on to Him - noone else will satisfy. I was thinking about that song 'Draw Me Close To You.'
I know there are some folks that question the theology of this song but today it feels like my heart cry - that longing to feel His closeness again to know the Lord bringing me near and the request for the Lord to help me know that He is near, even in some of the difficult things that I face - just to know that He is nearby and that He cares about my tears and my hurts.
The chorus goes on to say 'You're all I want, you're all I've ever needed' and this in itself is a fresh declaration that in fact He is all I want, need, long for - none other will satisfy - noone else will do. At the end of the day - He is all I need, all I want - everything else is counted as loss in the light of who He is.............

In light of my last post

2008-07-02T22:21:00.002+01:00

Well I have to say after my last post and a few days in - the plant that we have nurtured and re-potted and fed has today flowered a new - in just a few days she has picked up! What a wonderful picture of when the Chief Gardner takes special care of the one that the blessing and the potential come to fruition!
He is awesome!

The Everlasting, Eternal, Ceaseless, Awesome God!

2008-06-30T19:16:00.004+01:00

I was thinking this morning as I walked to work about the phrase 'everlasting God.' I had my 'sounds' on and it was practically the first song on the play list this morning! The phrase from the song 'strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord'..........

.......and all day it has been on my mind this phrase that so casually trips from our lips - the everlasting God.
It got me thinking about this word everlasting so I looked up some stuff about this word everlasting! The dictionary says 'lasting for ever' the dictionary also says this: 'the same as God' so I thought "Wow - that's amazing" so I looked in the thesaurus and there were words like eternal, endless, ceaseless, never-ending, perpetual, undying, unending, interminable.

Then I started to think about the World in which we live, just think about some of this for a moment:-
- we are offered a job, a permanent position and then given a contract that expires in so many months or years.
- we have permanent pens but after a while (admittedly a little while) they fade and come off and you have to re-write what you had written their originally.
- we are given a life-time guarantee on some products but after so many years either the supplier is out of business or the guarantee is not honoured.
- when you buy a house built in wardrobes are listed as permanent fixtures or built-in and yet so easily they are removed.
- remember the battery advert with a certain pink drumming bunny and the phrase 'they go on and on and on' - well they eventually run out!

When things in this day and age are listed as permanent or long lasting very often they are temporary, we live in a non-permanent society, a throw-away society and so we get used to things not lasting but just for a moment let your mind stretch to this:-

God has always been,
God WILL always be,
He is the ancient of days,
He was around before the planet on which we live was formed,
He will be around long after us, long after the next generation, or the next, or the next, or the next, or the next, or the next.......
He is not restricted by time,
He does not age,
He will never cease and neither will His reign,

His position of being seated on the throne will not come to an end,

no one can contest His reign,
He will endure forever and ever and ever,
He will not have an end,
God will not die,
God will not be phased out and a new King of Kings and Lord of Lords introduced,
God will not be voted out of office,
He has the pre-eminence,
there is no one like Him,
nothing and noone compares to Him,
He is outstanding, He is the best,
He is awesome, He is excellent,
He is mighty, He is full of compassion,
He is faithful, He is impressive, He is beautiful,
He is love, the Bible says that He loves us, but it also says that He is love,
He is strong, He is great, He is almighty, He is all-powerful,
His Spirit is intoxicating, He is magnificent,
He is beautiful, He is breath-taking, His is truly like no other,
God is totally set apart - in a league of His own!
He is wonderful, He cares, He is gentle and yet so powerful.
He is to be feared but also to draw near to and love and to not be afraid,
He is vast, He is gigantic, He is big! He is immeasurable!
God is limitless, He is GREAT and greatly to be praised, He is truly wonderful -

This is our God!

And in all His wonder and splendour and majesty and glory and love and awesome-ness, in all His uniqueness and fantasticness, in all His compassion, mercy, love, favour to the wretched, in all His qualities that we cannot even start to describe with only 26 letters and one alphabet....... in all of this ................................... He is the same, yesterday, today and FOREVER!

He is unending, He will not cease, He will not decline, He will not expire, He isn't going anywhere, He is eternal, never-ending, undying, He is endless, He won't die away, there won't be a conclusion - eternal praise belongs to Him - He owns it, it is His!

Awesome - awesome - awesome - I can't get my tiny brain around His magnitude, I cannot fathom how wonderful He is, I cannot take in the glories of my God, I am humbled by weakness and wretchedness in the light of His glory and His holiness, I am staggered afresh by how immense and awesome He is. Nothing escapes His notice, nothing in our lives is beyond His care, the smallest, horriblest wretch like me has been plucked from nothing, from the gutter, from the pig sty and seated on a throne, adopted as a child, an heir, my sinful rags have been replaced with the righteousness of Jesus, my unwanted status to dearly loved, precious.
He has lifted me from the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and given me a new song to sing...........................

we serve an everlasting, eternal, never-ending God!

I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God. Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God, turn your backs on the world's "sure thing," ignore what the world worships; The world's a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts. Nothing and no one comes close to you! I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words. Neither numbers nor words account for you. (Psalm 40 v 1 - 5 The Message version)

A New Day

2008-06-29T07:40:00.002+01:00

This week has been an interesting one! Have you ever had the experience of a 'divine appointment' when you meet up with someone and as you chat it is like God is in the room and very gently the conversation gets to the point when you know, that you know, that you know, what your next step forward is, something you should do or something that needs sorting once and for all in your life. I do - because it happened to me this week. An ex-neighbour came round to catch up - we have done this before ended up praying and just known the presence of the Lord! I have prayed for years for a woman that I could be honest with, a kindred spirit - too often when I have trusted women what I have said has been passed on so rightly or wrongly I am a bit cagey! Anyway this dear sister in the Lord could identify 100% with what I was saying - I think even Malcolm was surprised! A sense of direction seemed to cut through confusion and in the midst of everything I could at last hear the Father's voice calling me - the last few days the more precious that relationship with my Father has been as again and again it seems to have been that He has re-assured me of the present and the days ahead.

Yesterday we went to get a new trellis for my garden - some of my clematis' seem to have gone mad and we desperately needed to sort them out. While we were at the garden centre I saw a new climber plant apparently new for 2008 - she was reduced from £10 to £2-49 and although she had one purple flower she looked very sad, this plant won my heart - you could tell she needed some plant food, a new pot, new soil, some regular watering and a little love and attention so I brought it!
When my husband had put up the trellis I had the enormous task of unravelling the old clematis' and guiding them along their new path of growth - it was no easy task! The plants had wrapped themselves tightly around the existing trellis, themselves and other plants - it was a case of very gently unravelling the knots and straightening it out. I wondered if the plant may be shocked by the change but at the end of the day there is much more room for growth, expansion, more room to blossom and flourish - it reminded me of my life: all the knots and confusion that the chief Gardener is slowly unravelling, the mess that I have got myself into and showing me the new path of growth. I know that in the days ahead there will be some pruning and it won't be easy and it may hurt but He can see the bigger picture, He can see the potential of growth, of fruitfulness, of blossoming to be beautiful for Him, so that people look at me and praise the Gardener for how He has nurtured me, pruned me, shaped me, fed me, enabled me to grow.......

Now to the new plant - the one that I purchased knowing that it needed care and attention, before the day was done she was in a new pot, a bigger pot with brand new compost full of added minerals etc, she had slow release plant food mixed in with the soil, she was put up against the new trellis so she had more than just the bamboo cane in her pot, she was watered. Some may have picked up that pot and said that there was no hope for that plant, some may of thought that they would rather purchase something in perfect condition, laiden already with flowers and perfect with no defects. When I looked at this plant bizarrely I felt compassion - (OK so I love plants and I am the sort of person who will go and pick up ones that are knocked over in the garden centre and yes I will talk to them! Crazy huh!) Anyway I felt compassion - she needed some care and attention, I looked at this plant and I saw the potential - she may not be able to produce more flowers this year, but next year when she has had a year of care, a year of finding her roots in this new pot, of being fed and nurtured - next year I am confident that she will burst forth with beautiful blooms. See where I am getting at?
When we were puchased at the cross it wasn't because we were in perfect condition - in fact it was the opposite we were purchased because of the mess we were in and in that state of mess we won His heart, He loved us! He paid the ultimate price, took us in re-potted us, fed us, nurtured us, watered us, He saw the potential. This morning the first thing I did when I came down the stairs was go to the window and look out on my new plant - excited by the possibility that she may look a bit better even for yesterdays bit of care.

I believe that the Father is excited over His children just as the Gardener is excited over the adopted broken plants that He carefully tends. Once again I am at the point of listening to the Father's song, of hearing Him sing 'I love you, I have chosen you to be mine.' And yet at the same time I feel a sense rising in my heart that this is a new day - there is something bursting forth on this Sunday morning - something is about to break forth and surprise me, expectation rises in my heart that this new day that yes involves pruning, that involves some untangling also involves some moving forward, of growth and it is laiden with potential in His hands......... expectation is rising............. my heart leaps at the thought of His touch............. noone else is like Him (they don't even come close!)........... He is coming to unravel, to touch, to heal, to make whole, He is coming to bless, to restore, to feed, to water, to nurture.......... His love is unrivalled, His grace unmatched and His awesome power unequalled........... no one else is like Him, nothing this World can offer can satisfy like He does, no one else thrills my soul, my heart, my being, like The Lord does....... I wait for Him and long for Him and yearn for Him and my whole being cries out to Him ........... I hear His call to me to come away with Him and there is no fear just ecstasy, just delight.............

Who can cheer the heart like Jesus,

By His presence all divine?

True and tender, pure and precious,

O how blest to call Him mine!

All that thrills my soul is Jesus,

He is more than life to me;

And the fairest of ten thousand

In my blessed Lord I see.

Love of Christ so freely given,

Grace of God beyond degree,

Mercy higher than the heaven,

Deeper than the deepest sea!

All that thrills my soul is Jesus,

He is more than life to me;

And the fairest of ten thousand

In my blessed Lord I see.

What a wonderful redemption!

Never can a mortal know

How my sin, tho red like crimson,

Can be whiter than the snow.

All that thrills my soul is Jesus,

He is more than life to me;

And the fairest of ten thousand

In my blessed Lord I see.

Every need His hand supplying,

Every good in Him I see;

On His strength divine relying,

He is all in all to me.

All that thrills my soul is Jesus,

He is more than life to me;

And the fairest of ten thousand

In my blessed Lord I see.

By the crystal flowing river

With the ransomed I will sing,

And forever and forever

Praise and glorify the King

All that thrills my soul is Jesus,

He is more than life to me;

And the fairest of ten thousand

In my blessed Lord I see.

Thoro Harris 1931

Settling or Continual Chasing, Gratification or Godly Discontentment

2008-06-23T20:38:00.003+01:00

This has been a week of thinking and mulling over some recent conversations with different people. Sunday was a time of some precious times of worship at Church and some anointed and courageous preaching.

I have come to a strange point as I have pondered things - am I happy to settle with things how they are, how they have been or am I going to continually chase after more of God and plunge the depths of what He has? Am I going to be satisfied with things as they are or am I going to have a sense of 'Godly discontentment' where I simply want more and more of God. Am I going to stop being concerned with what others think and simply be obsessed, addicted and caught up with the One? What challenges are laid at my door as I have pondered, mulled, prayed and opened my mouth simply saying 'Lord fill it.'

I have to say that I long to make a greater impact on my neighbours, my friends, I long to see many swept into the Kingdom - we possess wonderful news and yet so many of us as Christians are captive by situations, by the past, by other people and so on and so on..... On Sunday morning a Godly man was preaching in our Church literally an elder in the Church but also in the faith - a man who has walked closely with God and as he closed his sermon with some honesty he declared that he was no longer going to be worried about what others thought about the way in which he talked and praised God - he was deciding to be more concerned with what God wants. Afterwards I was thinking about how easily we are frightened by other Christians - perhaps they are older people, perhaps they dominate, perhaps they even put us down. There is a call coming through to me again and again to simply be caught up with the Holy One, the awesome God, the One who right now reigns on high where the myriads of heaven constantly and continually worship and declare His worthiness, His glory.

Let me clear up that by Godly discontentment I am not saying a negative - the negative would be an ungodly contentment where I simply say "Well this is as good as it will get, I can't and won't go any further.' If a preacher in his latter years can stand and declare 'Lord I need to change' then surely a woman in her early thirties equally can say 'Lord change me, Lord mould me and shape me, don't leave me in this place right now at this stage, take me further, take me deeper, make me more and more like you, transform me, heal my wounds, heal my past, heal the aches, make me stronger in the battle, give me courage to stand in the heat of the battle, help me to combat every temptation, help me to undo the accusations, help me to thwart the enemy, be my shield, my rampart, take over every detail of my life, enable me to tell every evil thing where to go, atune my ears to hear your voice and to identify the liar, the accuser.'

Today is not a day for remaining in the depths but deciding to reach for the skies! I used to have a principal at the school I went to and he would say "Aim for the moon and you will hit the sky, aim for the sky and you will hit the roof of the barn, aim for the roof of the barn and you will hit the tree, aim for the tree and you will hit the barn door, aim for the barn door and you will hit the bottom of the door, aim for the bottom of the door and you will hit the ground right in front of you, aim for the ground right in front of you and you will hit it." Well something like that anyway - I need to aim high and that has to change with immediate affect - I can't live compromised any longer, I can't live with scrapping by - that's not what God says about my destiny! Yes there are things that I need and want to get sorted and I feel a stirring in these days that I need to deal with things head on and see victory come over them. The enemy still presses in hard (and will do I am sure) but now is the time to see this determination lit like the fuse of some spiritual dynamite! I am going to start to take God more at His Word - if He says it and He promises it then what am I doing wittering about in the trenches!? We have an awesome, capable, almighty, all-powerful, omnipotent, good, faithful God - there is no question over who He is or whether He will still be in office tomorrow - His reign knows no end, there is no one like Him and His position cannot be contested. The continual chasing after Him, the Godly discontentment where every fibre of my being says 'more Lord' comes not out of condemnation or out of legalism but it comes fired from passion for Him, for a depth of thankfulness that can only come from a redeemed wretch, who was clothed in filthy rags but now stands in the robe of righteousness, the ring on her finger, shoes on her feet coming to the banquet held in her honour where the fatted calf is just the start.........

The strange thing is that when you simply get a taster of how wonderful He is then you just want more and more of Him, of the Holy Spirit, of the bounties that He has lavished. I for one have spent too long in the pit of the pig sty when I am destined to be the heir. I see my Father standing at the gate longing for my return from the trenches, the pit and I see Him running in the sight of all towards His beloved wretched daughter who has made mistakes, who has thought that she had received all that He could give to her but now as I see Him taking every stride towards me my heart beats with the expected embrace with the longed for moment when He takes me in His arms and loves me not for what I have done or achieved but for just being me. This is the moment when the transaction from beaten, sodden, weary, wretched, miserable slave turns into accepted, cleansed, forgiven, redeemed, restored, adored, loved, treasured child takes place - this moment when all else fades into insignificance that moment when my Father sings His love songs over me - can you hear Him singing..................

Healing Stream

2008-06-19T20:48:00.004+01:00

Tonight I was reminded of a song that someone sent me when I was going through a really dark time in my life. I was about 16 - 17 and living away from home and confused by life generally - without details it was a particularly dark, lonely, hard and frightening season. I had much correspondence at the time with an older chap - never met him and probably never will - lost contact a long time ago, a distant friend put me in touch with him and for a season this man was a real encouragement to me. He was a faithful man of prayer, a faithful writer of letters and I think God provided him for a season to come alongside in some dark days. I will never have the opportunity to thank him in this lifetime but I will in the next.

I am home alone this evening and was thinking through some things from recent days when a song came to mind and I remembered that this chap had sent me the tape and it arrived on a day back in 1992/1993 when my world was crashing in - the timing I will never forget!

It did make me smile tonight when I realised that we don't have a tape player downstairs in our home and I had to play the song afresh on a personal stereo (even that took some finding! Ha! Ha!)
Anyway these are the words to the song it is on a cassette called 'Healing Stream' by Lou Lewis:-

Are you hiding, buried away inside?
Frightened, thinking you just can't survive?
I know you, and the things that you're going through
And I just want to carry your pain
Carry it all away.

Are you hurting, all broken up inside?
Disappointed or discouraged for all of your dreams have died.
I love you and I know what you're going though
I love you and I'll carry your pain
Carry it all away.

I am the Healing Stream, come and bathe in Me.
I can wash you clean and set you free
For in my body there is the spirit and the blood.
Believe in Me, believe in ME, believe in Me, I am your God.
Let it go ..... Let it go ..... Let it go to Me.

It is no surprise that this whole cassette is laiden with precious gems for the hurting soul but I pray that whoever you are when you read the words of that song that you will know that the Healing Stream is there and there is a call to come to Him the Healing Stream Himself. I know I need it

- the Healing Stream would be so welcome!

Lay It All Down

2008-06-03T21:41:00.002+01:00

If I am really honest the last few weeks have been incredibly tough - I don't really want to go into details but it has been a constant battle over different things and situations. There have been many tears in the lone hour and much straight talking from my husband, it feels like each day is a battle and each day presents itself with the challenges of getting on with what the day holds. I long desperately for answers to prayer, I watch Todd Bentley on TV with miracle after miracle and I sit empty handed waiting and wondering if a miracle will ever come to this home.

Last night I received an e-mail from www.hopewhenithurts.co.uk our website and although this is not unusual - what was said to me was a timely encouragement, with a song mentioned that the person concerned had found really helpful. So this evening I looked it up on you tube and discovered a song that I can understand the depths of and long for the heights and celebration of - meanwhile I know that I need to lay it all down and anyone who knows me will know that this is not something I do easily, in fact it is something that I really battle with because at the end of the day I still hurt. I pray that one day I will know what it is to lay it all down and just know God saturating my life with peace and ease and no condemnation................ this is the song that the person told me about.............

Something to meditate on and be thrilled over!

2008-05-20T18:44:00.003+01:00

This is a quote from Smith Wigglesworth from a sermon he preached on Dethroning Unbelief at the end of 1919:-

Salvation is for all,

Healing is for all.

Baptism of the Holy Ghost is for all.

Reckon yourselves dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God.

By His grace get the victory every time. It is possible to live holy.

He breaks the power of cancelled sin,

He sets the prisoner free;

His blood can make the foulest clean,

His blood avails for me.

The difference between law and grace

2008-05-20T16:46:00.001+01:00

On Saturday night in Eastbourne Rob Rufus said this and I have found it SO helpful over the last few days:-

Law says 'Do this, do this, do this.'

Grace says 'It is already done!'

Blockages to the message of grace

2008-05-17T09:53:00.002+01:00

This morning I finished 'God's Lavish Grace' by Terry Virgo. It has taken me a long time to read - sometimes I have had to read the same paragraph again and again - it has been a battle that I have been prepared to lose - but on completing this book it has raised a realisation for me. As Christians there are blockages to the message of grace. We seem to be conditioned for legalism and for doing things right for the wrong reasons! I know that sounds strange but yesterday I was in Wesley Owen and picked up another book on grace (I didn't buy it) but I was reading the back of it that said how grace should release us to 'do' church out of passion and gratefulness rather than because that is what we should do (this is my paraphrased version!).

I have seen a blockage to the message of grace in my own life in recent weeks as it has been preached on - one time I felt really unwell mid sermon - I was fine before and even after but during the sermon my concentration was on not being ill.......another time the sermon was on 'no condemnation in Christ' and I just knew an overwhelming sense of condemnation and talking on the way home from Church realised that the message thrilled me for everyone else in the room but personally I felt it wasn't for me and that condemnation overwhelmed.

This morning in the last few pages of Virgo's book I read this:-

Grace assures you that God has fully accepted you,

has always loved you and always will.

You are safe and you are free.

I just wonder if the blockage to Christians (me included) living in the fullness of the grace of God is some (or all) of these:-

because the message of grace is so good as Terry puts it 'We who had nothing to commend us and everything to disqualify us are invited to enter in and participate in the consummation of the ages.' It's an awesome message - for us who are so undeserving to be given so much.
because legalism has been drilled into us - do this and don't do this, you should be like this but this comes from a position of 'have to' rather than 'I want to, I am so grateful, passion etc'
Law is much easier to accept than grace - we find it easier in this society to work towards something rather than just receive - we are a suspicious society of anything free (or even good)!
Law is easier to teach than grace! In all the reading and teaching on grace it seems that without the question that Paul asks in Romans 6:1 arising 'What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?' - it seems that if true grace is taught then folks do ask the question 'does this give us license to continue sinning?' Of course the answer is No - we are given freedom not to sin but if we do then there is grace for that. It is a tricky one and would be far easier to teach that as born again believers we MUST do this and be like this and we must .......... rather than receive and live in the fullness.
The enemy isn't happy about grace - he loves condemnation and law - if the enemy can keep us trapped in a state of condemnation and legalism then grace is nullified and passion is sapped - we end up weak, weary and on the treadmill of the christian life and sadly our witness, furvour and prayer life are compromised.

We have a dying world to reach - one full of pain, suffering, anger and sadness - we have a glorious news, an amazing hope, an awesome Saviour but we are trapped by the blockage of accepting grace completely and fully so we don't dance on the streets with the passion of one plucked from hell, we remain laiden with condemnation, battling, struggling to continue to keep going on a circuit of doing our best, failing again, condemnation and doing our best again. How we need the Holy Spirit to liberate us and to make the blockages melt in the light of His awesome power..............

Extremes

2008-05-12T21:20:00.002+01:00

I wonder if anyone else finds life the same as me - one week you can be on a real high, know a precious touch from God and the next feel so alone and that things seem so dark and you feel so alone and almost vacant.

This has been my repeated experience over the last month or so - really hit a low time and then God stretched out His hand and touched me afresh - precious tangible, awesome encounter and in that moment such a sense that everything was going to be alright, such a sense of the awesomeness of God. Then in the space of a week or so and things are really tough. My husband and I were supposed to go to an event on Sunday but for days before hand I felt so anxious over it - Sunday morning came and Malcolm and I talked for some time over it - when he told me that we didn't have to go I cried with relief. But in these days when so many things are a battle I receive e-mails from folks so helped by a book that I wrote 4 years ago - strange that in the struggles and the tears of today other folks on this planet has been encouraged by what we have been through. Yet I sit here and still weep.

I wonder if life will ever cease to be one extreme or another - is there a level of OK-ness that can be reached and then kept without mask or pretence? I wonder....................

It's simply true!

2008-04-27T22:14:00.000+01:00

God is totally awesome!

Give me something easy to do!

2008-04-15T11:02:00.003+01:00

Last Friday I went to see my GP. He wasn't there so I saw the other doctor that covers for him. She is really nice, but speaks really really slowly! I hate seeing doctors or anything medical - I would rather just do anything I can than to see them but this has its good points as when I do see them they always know that something is really wrong! Ha! Ha!
Anyway the doc gave me some antibiotics and basically instructed me to rest for at least 5 days but that it could take longer. On telling me to rest up the thought that went through my head was 'Can't you give me something easy to do!' My husband will tell you that I don't often rest there is always something to do and if my hands aren't busy my brain usually is!

Today I was thinking though that rest is a biblical thing isn't it? I did a really basic search on Bible gateway and found that in the NIV the search comes up with 496 results in the NKJV the results are increased to 540. OK I know that this was kind of a crude search and some won't apply to rest in the manner that I am thinking but from God resting in Genesis 2, to Jesus resting in the boat on the sea of Galilee - perhaps this is something I need to learn to do..........

Just one touch from the King

2008-04-08T19:29:00.002+01:00

Last year I read a book by Mark Stibbe called 'One touch from the King changes everything'- it made a big impression on me and a lot of points that he made I have mulled over a lot since I read it.
Two weeks today while on holiday I spent the day in bed sleeping as I felt so rough - I haven't been right since and now see my husband going through where I have been - he is a few days behind me with symptoms. I have been praying for complete restoration of health for both of us - there is so much on and I really want to be 100%, I am missing out on things and feeling quite isolated and I really want my man to be 100% - I see him carrying so much and under a huge amount of things that he HAS to do, I know that over the next month or two he is working weekends and weekdays and his evenings are stacked and I just can't see a break coming up for him; so I know that he needs to be at full health for work, Church, Alpha, home etc so I have been praying that he would know that one single touch - that would be all that it takes if God touched him. In light of this prayer this song has been often on my heart, my CD player and my lips in the shower in recent days! One touch from the King changes everything - one touch, just one touch!

Whatever the situation

2008-04-05T22:51:00.002+01:00

Been an extremely tough week on all kinds of levels this week - health, work, just day to day living and this evening I was reminded of this song and that whatever the situation He is just still worthy of worship! Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Grace like the ocean

2008-03-23T08:07:00.003Z

We are currently on a family holiday in Cornwall just North of Bude. Yesterday we took a half mile trip to Northcott Mouth which is just down from the farmhouse that we are staying in.

The beach there is very rocky and my nieces and nephews and I started to build a small wall against the sea gathering the rocks from near and far!

It was hilarious to see some of them carrying large rocks to add to the wall, some too heavy for them to lift! The tide was coming in quickly and no matter how large the stones it didn't stop the sea coming and it reminded me of God's grace upon us - it doesn't end, it doesn't reach a certain point and say that it would cease and that it would come to the point where it would just fail. No way! Legalism can try and stop God's grace - it can stifle and try to stop it but in the grand scheme of things - legalism is as effective as the stone wall my nieces and nephews built against the ocean against God's lavish grace!! Struggling with what I mean......? Let me put it another way then:- Whether or not folks receive it or live in the fullness of it - it just keeps coming! We are saved by grace and if folks are under legalism they are still saved by grace alone - Scripture says that any that call on the name of the Lord WILL BE saved. It doesn't say any that call on the name of the Lord may be saved but it is all dependent on whether they do this or this or this! Even in all the legalism that is rife in the Church and in the people of God today the Lord is still a God of grace - a grace that allows us to be imperfect, a grace that covers all our shame, our sin, our mistakes - past, present and future. God's grace is an undeniable part of being saved!

I am currently reading God's lavish grace by Terry Virgo and I read this earlier today:-

You may wonder what you have done to deserve God's love. How is it that God has shown you such kindness? This is the very stuff of grace, that He amazes you, contradicts every expectation, seeks you out, finds you and lavishes His love upon you. You have done nothing and can do nothing to earn His grace. The secret of His grace to you lies deep in the mystery of His foreknowledge. Simply receive it, celebrate it, delight yourself in it and live as one whom God is pleased to favour from His overflowing resources of kindness. (Page 87).

I have been struck afresh today of the magnitude of God's grace - people don't understand grace because we try and equate it - we try to work it out - we try to make it make sense but it doesn't - the awesome One, the Creator of this Universe has a love that stoops down, stoops to the sinner and lavishes, floods the undeserving with acceptance, with love, covers the sinner with robes of righteousness, spotless and no matter the mistakes in the future will remain spotless - not because of the sinner but because the Lamb of God was acceptable, because the blood of Jesus goes on cleansing and the blood of Jesus will never loose its power - Jesus was a complete sacrifice - He satisfied the requirements, we are saved because of that one sacrifice.

This morning we went to Bude Christian Fellowship http://www.bcf-elim.com/ and it was an awesome time of celebrating that Jesus is reason and alive right now! The pastor mentioned Spike Milligan's quote on his grave stone that says:-

"I told you I was ill."

and then later in the message was saying that if there was an inscription on Jesus' grave it should have said

"I told you that I was coming back."

It was a great celebration this morning and I bless God for what He has done and am anticipating and expecting some wonderful things in the future days! J.I. Packer once said that

"The victim of Calvary is now...............loose and a large!"

Yes indeed He is loose, at large and will do some mighty things in the coming days - feel expectation rising!?!?

Standing firm on the truth in the battle

2008-03-18T07:36:00.004Z

Since late Sunday night - there has been a battle! The weekend was glorious but I have found myself increasingly under 'enemy fire' - I was telling my husband this morning that I think that the enemy wants to knock me back down again.

But I have remembered something from an awesome sermon that Peter Day
http://www.peterjrday.blogspot.com/ preached on Sunday night - I would really encourage folks to listen to this! It is available from the following link for the 16th March and entitled 'Perseverance' - you will find it really helpful I am sure!
http://lans.strikinglysimple.co.uk/4wright.php?chinnor=Sermons/Talks&chosen=http://lansaudio.64asa.co.uk/uploads/peter16march2008pm.mp3&hook=off&marshall=&harper=1410&laura=15&bounce=no Anyway! The thing that I remembered is when he said something along the lines of

'don't let disappointment and the battle rob you of what you do know to be true.'

In other words when the going gets tough and the enemy comes in like a flood don't forget what you know to be true, what the Lord says in His Word, who He is like, what He has done.

Was reminded this morning in the face of the pelting to remind myself that He hasn't altered - He is the same God who came and touched my heart and melted me with His love over this weekend, He is the same God who reigns on high, who is exalted, who is King of Kings, totally majestic, awesome in power and mighty to save and to the pulling down of strongholds - He is the same God who is singing over me on a week day as He was over the weekend, He is the creator, sustainer and saviour of this World. He alone has made the way for me to be cleansed, healed, restored and forgiven - He is good and He is faithful and that will not alter or change - and right now I choose to stand firm in the battle on the truth!

Our response to God singing over us!

2008-03-16T14:50:00.002Z

This morning Ken Vincent preached at Lansdowne - the sermon should be on the website fairly soon. There was a gem of a revelation scattered amongst other various gems and it was this!

In light of the last line of Zephaniah 3:17 which says:-

"He will rejoice over you with singing"

Ken said this:-

"If God is singing over you, shouldn't you be singing over Him?"

He went on to say about how our God is a happy God - it is worth hearing what Ken said - I can't do it justice!

Desperation for God - noone else will satisfy!

2008-03-15T19:31:00.002Z

First thing this morning I was praying in the shower knowing that I was going to a women's breakfast that was going to be on the Holy Spirit, my prayer was really a cry to God that I would encounter Him afresh - I guess that you could say a desperation that I needed to know that God knew various situations, struggles, that He would meet me despite all the things that get in the way, despite how I felt, despite despair, despite my feeling of total inadequacy (in want of a better word) - I really NEEDED to meet with God today.

It wasn't the best of starts to a meeting with all the women there around 30 years older than me and I texted my husband saying please pray! Fortunately others arrived and my ill-ease put to flight! The teaching was just so helpful about being women of the Spirit and I realised afresh how vital it is that I am full of God's Holy Spirit - not only for my own walk with God, but my encouragement of others, my heart for the lost........my worship.......giftings from God.........etc etc - I could go on. I guess that you could say I could see that I wasn't filled to overflowing with the Holy Spirit - more nearer the red E like the one that shows on your petrol dial! I have been more concerned with managing to scrape through, to be everything that I am 'supposed' to be and to do everything I am supposed to do that I hadn't actually realised how I was running on empty!

But you know God already knew - and He knew that I need a major encounter with Him - all the 'stuff' of life, all the heartache, all the struggles, all the daily battles, temptations, even at times depression and heaviness seemed to have squeezed out how much I needed God! It wasn't 'fine' for me to leave the Church this morning without an enounter with God, without pressing through to Him - it really wasn't fine - but I had to step out of my comfort zone and actually admit that I needed prayer and I have to tell you that this morning I had to learn a difficult, painful (for me) but yet vital lesson - it's ok to ask for prayer. My gut instinct is to always assume that asking someone to pray is like saying 'hey I am not doing so good, I have failed again, not coping, not this, not that, I don't meet the grade blah blah blah blah, here I am yet again.' But this morning someone said to me it would be ok if I asked for prayer every single meeting, every single week or whenever and having thought about that today although it goes against everything that I have been taught as a child and even seen in the Christian world - I realised today how much my priorities need to change - hear me out for a second! It shouldn't be about what others think, it shouldn't even be about me - it's about God, about His precious Holy Spirit - I want Him to get all the glory! I need to put encountering Him far above all the stuff of this World. And as we have often heard that quote:-

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied with Him."

But here is a question - are we ever really satisfied with Him!? This morning I tasted precious fresh filling of the Holy Spirit, He just washed right over me, through me - all the struggles, even the heartache was pailed into insignifcance for an hour or so when I was just caught up with loving Him and being loved by Him. Ah yes I was totally satisfied with Him, but not to the point of 'having my fill' do you know what I mean? Spurgeon uses the word 'cloy' in relation to the love of God - a love that will not cloy.

The definition of cloy is this:-

To cause distaste or disgust by supplying with too much of something originally pleasant, especially something rich or sweet;

We will never get to the point where something so wonderful will end up being distasteful when it comes to God, it won't be like when you eat too much chocolate - initially fantastic but eat too much and you feel sick - no with God you will taste and keep tasting and keep desiring and want more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and .............................(catch my drift!)

The song of the moment, of the day - has to be this song!

I wonder if we really are that desperate for Him - I know that for me this evening having met with Him today I am desperate for Him all over again! I want to be like those folks in the Bible who had the tenacity and the courage and the perseveance to keep going for Him - to not let Him go until He blesses (sound familiar) to be like the woman with the issue of blood who in that society should not have been around, classed as untouchable and yet she pushed through the crowds just to touch the hem of His garment, for all those saints that have in years passed kept on keeping on - I want to take encouragement and to keep pushing through, to hold Him at His Word, to see Him touch my life and the lives of those around me, to not cower under the weight of past disappointment or be crushed by ungodly expectations that others put on me (or even that I put on myself) -

I have tasted again of how wonderful the Lord is - I want Him, I need Him, I long for Him, I desire to be in His presence, I yearn for Him with every fibre of my being, I cry out for Him - no other will do, no one else will satisfy, this World can offer me nothing in the light of how awesome He is. All that is within me cries out 'more Lord' more of You in my life, more of You in my home, in my street, in Your Church Lord, more - oh Lord for an increase in my expectation of what You will do for You alone are the All-mighty God, the all powerful King of the Universe, no one else is as majestic as You are - nothing is as glorious as You - increase my vision of you! The cry of my heart hand in hand with the desperation for Him is a simple word and that is knowing that He is a God who is swift to bless the seeker, who loves the hungry, who delights in those who seek after Himself - ah yes Lord please...

......MORE!

More aware of grace or sin?

2008-03-13T20:52:00.002Z

I have been doing a lot of reading lately on grace - am reading God's Lavish Grace by Terry Virgo and finding it a really helpful read although I must confess that I keep on reading bits again and again trying to get them from my head to my heart.

Was challenged also by CJ Mahaney when he asks the poignant question - day to day are you more aware of grace or more aware of sin!?

This is a challenge when your background is rooted in rules and regulations! I pray that each day I would be more and more aware of the grace of God!

2008-03-13T20:43:00.001Z

Well I think I may have worked out how to get a You tube video into a post - so here goes! This song is one to play when the tears won't stay in any longer!

Highs and Lows of one single solitary day!

2008-03-09T23:20:00.002Z

Today has been a day of highs and lows. Sundays are precious, busy, stressful and yet wonderful in so many ways! Most will know what I mean by that - but today has been one of truly awesome highs, moments of stress, times of exhaustion, precious times with God and then real depths - all in one single day!
As I start this it is nearly 11.30pm - for a 'school night' this is so late for me but I can't sleep and have spent the last few hours crying (yet again!) So what about today then?

This morning was a precious time of worship - it started in the Word this morning when I was in Kings and reading about the whole Hezekiah thing when the enemies were saying to the people of the Lord, that God wouldn't save them and that they were going to lose blah blah etc etc and then God did something outside of the 'human plan or concept of what could happen' and sent the angel of the Lord who killed like 185,000 people in one night or something like that (2 Kings 18 & 19) - I was struck again how God is not bound by what people say, think or expect. Then after my time in the Word I had a shower and I don't know if I am like anyone else but my most intimate times of worship in song are in the shower! This morning I sung the same song over and over normally I will jump from song to song as I praise but this morning it was the same song 'Jesus, Jesus, Holy and Anointed One' - the chorus goes on to say 'Your name is like honey on my lips, your Spirit like water to my soul.........' there was more than physical water this morning and I felt a precious touch from God as I worshipped! Then at Church before the praise team practised and as we prayed together again I felt such a touch from God, then as we went through the songs for the morning I just felt God was so close, then in the worship - WOW! The Holy Spirit came and there was such an outpouring - different folks prayed stuff out that was just SO spot on.

Then I was with the children so missed the sermon - it was really stressful!!!! Some of the children are just so out of control and I found it so hard because they are so lovely and each one so special, one in the group is the sort of age that our child would be if ..... well you know. Anyway it was REALLY tough going and come the end of the service I was just SO relieved but had to dash to check my hubby was ok with serving tea and then needed to sort music etc etc. To my relief I got in the car and turned on some sounds! Got home had lunch, watched some rugby - Malcolm had a headache so at half time went to bed and I watched the second half in bed as he slept - France won, then I fell asleep - woke at 6.20pm with a start and shoved on some clothes brushed hair and dashed to Church leaving a dazed hubby with headache in bed. I really wanted to be there tonight - felt this morning I missed out not hearing the Word preached. Tonight I was reminded in the worship of how mighty God is and that too often I don't seem Him as All-mighty and All-powerful - I need a bigger vision of God - was encouraged in the brief worship that I was there for, then the preached Word was awesome - Psalm 23 and just the single line 'The Lord is my shepherd'. The Lansdowne website should have it up soon http://lans.strikinglysimple.co.uk/4wright.php?chinnor=Sermons/Talks&harper=1448&laura=15&emphas=&preview=&bounce=no if you want to hear it.
Anyway got in the car to come home dropping a couple of people at different places on the way home, got out of the car and spoke to a lovely couple from the street - they are moving soon so want to get them round for a meal before they go although they will only be moving locally I think - note to self remember to sort a date with them! I hardly know them and he recently had a stroke (reason for move) but it was a timely conversation. Walked in the door - got a headache and just felt real turmoil no peace at all - told Malcolm.
Headed to bed at 10.15ish. Mal and I prayed together and unusually I felt that I should pray again about having kids - I don't do this as often as perhaps I should because it upsets me so much and afterwards I just cried and cried - there are simply no words this evening to describe how much I hurt (pause to reach for another tissue........) Malcolm said that he thought I needed to cry - he sees it before I do now I think. I am not even sure how to pray anymore in some senses, all I know is that the ache is so real and I don't see any end to it. Last Wednesday I had a picture or a dream - whatever you might call it, eventually tonight I shared it with Malcolm I won't post here what it was as that isn't appropriate but I must admit things are hard. I tossed and turned in bed almost crying at every turn - trying not to wake my exhausted husband and eventually have given in and got up!

What changed today I wonder - it started precious, it had tough moments, it even ended precious but this evening I feel afresh despair and hurt; but yet God is still my shepherd - I am His and He is mine - I heard it today, I know it but at the same time there is an ache and a void that I carry at the same time. I even asked myself if it is possible to feel despair and yet trust God at the same time and honestly I have to answer 'yes' - does that sound crazy to all the theologians>!>?!?!? Don't get me wrong I trust God 100%, I love Him, I accept all the wonderful things that He says but at the same time there is an ache that doesn't know healing and a pain that few can grasp. The battle now is to take the tears and not ignore them but to pour them out as an offering as sacrifical worship - in the midst of the tears to look to God and say 'I love you anyway' and to hear His reply of 'I love you anyway' - it goes both ways as I was reminded by the preacher this evening.

There are questions rattling around my brain tonight and some of them I need to ask and find answers to, others I need to have courage to lay down and to leave at the foot of the cross. Perhaps the highs and lows of today have been from one extreme to the other but I must not forget that my God is mighty, that He (and only He) is the giver of life, that He is bigger than my pain and that He has stored my tears - which feel more like a river rather than something that can ever be bottled tonight.

I am reminded of that Tim Hughes song:-
(Not sure if this will work as I haven't worked out how to incorporate a You Tube into a post)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tEAK_acTbsQ

If it doesn't work go to youtube and search on Tim Hughes and click on 'when silence falls'

I must head to bed now as I have a full on day at work tomorrow but in returning to bed I will remember that the Lord God Almighty is my friend and on my side even in the depths of tonight. I will also ask Him to be my strength, my peace, my tower of refuge and strength but have to admit that it all still hurts!

Not about condition it's all about position in Christ

2008-03-03T20:53:00.003Z

My husband and I are working through listening to a series of teaching that Rob Rufus gave on a website that we found, the web address is http://www.wolhome.com/teaching.html if you are interested and the sermons we are listening to are from December 1996.

Anyway tonight we listened to the second one and I have to say it was quite a revelation on a few things that he said - thought provoking and will make you ask questions; but as he explains if teaching makes you ask questions then that is a good sign as that is what the disciples did constantly with Jesus' teaching in the New Testament.

I think the thing that has really opened my eyes tonight is that I was born again into legalism, then I discovered grace and was liberated and now I am living with both grace and the law plastered all over my life - it is time to realise afresh that I am completely saved by grace - there is nothing I can add to my salvation (and nothing I can do to take it away either). Rob was so clear in his teaching and time and time again he states that we shouldn't be concentrating on our condition but on our position! Let me repeat that - we need to not concentrate on our condition (our sin, our rubbishness, our worthlessness), but on our position (we are clothed in the righteousness of Christ, precious to Him, heirs, dearly loved, we are adopted) our position is an awesome one that I don't seem to have the words for..........

Rob quoted Corrie Ten Boom and I had to write this down - Corrie said this

"If I look at the World I get depressed,

if I look at myself I am unimpressed,

if I look at Jesus I am so impressed."

For those of us who struggle with infertility issues there is a big emphasis from the World on our condition - to be childless is a constant reminder of a condition that we would not choose, want or imagine would ever happen to us. If we remain looking at that condition it drives us downward and depresses us - but get this people - if we look at our position - now that is a whole new thing - to look at what Jesus has done for us, that we are seated with Him, ransomed, restored, forgiven - now that should lift our heads!

I think I am going to write the words 'position not condition' on my front door so that when I leave the house every morning I will see them. I may remain childless which is just SO SO SO hard but my life is hidden in Christ...............

Faith In Fertility: Book review: "It's OK to cry"

2008-03-02T07:42:00.000Z

Faith In Fertility: Book review: "It's OK to cry"

It's OK to Cry

2008-03-02T06:56:00.000Z

Well this is the blog that perhaps those of you that have been to www.hopewhenithurts.co.uk and found that the blog page is empty have been waiting for! Interesting that I hardly slept last night thinking about lots so was up so early this morning and thought of this whole blogging thing! I hope that I will get used to it and discover how to link to others blogs - for any guys out there struggling with infertility I do recommend http://faithfertility.blogspot.com/ where Jon blogs about his infertility.

I've been thinking about it being ok to cry again - everything in me wants to hold tears back and not let people in, even my husband - my main man! Last night when I was going to bed it cracked - I hate Mother's Day so much - society and people in general don't realise what a painful day that is for so many - hundreds and thousands in the UK are probably feeling the same way as me. I have to admit last night I desperately tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't stop them - they just kept coming, yet again I heard my husband saying those words 'just let it out, you are allowed to cry' - I keep wondering if I should let him record that phrase so that he doesn't have to keep saying it to me - Ha! Ha!
In the midst of our pain we still acknowledge that our Mum's are great, still send them a card, still know that the family does special things for them - but it's a day that I wish I didn't have hear about, see on the news, anything in fact - today is a day that I would rather just shut the World out, ignore and let my ache not feel quite so intense. Everything is risky on a day like today - it doesn't take much for tears to flow, I was speaking to someone yesterday who said that their Church devote the entire service to 'appreciating Mum's' and I wondered how some who find this such a painful day handle it. I wonder if the Church in the UK generally don't realise that some 'special services' can be that upsetting - I am not just talking about those of us who live with the pain of infertility, or those that have lost a child or children even, but also those who have lost their Mum.

Perhaps folks don't see how painful it can be but I am struck again this morning of the example of Jesus - the depth of His compassion. In Luke 7v 11-17 we see a glimmer of the depth of that compassion - a widow who has lost her only son - the NKJV says that 'His heart went out to her,' the NLT says 'His heart overflowed with compassion, The Message says 'His heart broke,' now this is compassion - this is not just saying 'oh poor woman' and then carrying on regardless of her situation. NO! This is Him seeing and feeling her pain, her loss, her desperation, her whole situation. I wish I saw more compassion, I wish that I felt a greater compassion for the hurting and for the lost. Goodness when I think of the compassion that we should have for those who don't know Jesus - my journey has been hard with Him, but without Him it would have been intolerably worse!
............oh for a greater heart of compassion, even on a day like today!

The first of many

2008-03-01T16:54:00.000Z

OK ok ok...... after years of people telling me that I should blog here it is! In the last month several people have e-mailed me saying please start blogging and telling me to get started!

My blog is called 'From Head To Heart' reason being that I was brought up with loads of solid teaching and my head knowledge was all good....... now I am learning more and more that all that head knowledge needs to get into my heart - let God melt my heart afresh with His grace.

I am one of these people who likes to get things sorted in my head and I like to know what I need to do if you know what I mean - am in the process of learning that actually God's grace in some senses just doesn't make sense! I mean think about it for a moment - we mere humans deserve absolutely NOTHING, we are in fact only deserving of eternal damnation - but the King of Kings, the Creator, sustainer and ruler of the Universe loved us so much and saw what we deserved, so He made a way for us to be forgiven, restored and able to have a relationship with Him - yep you read right - the One who reigns on high, the totally awesome God has actually made it possible not only for us to be saved but to have a relationship with Him! WOW!
As far as the need to know what to do - only last week my pastor reminded me that there is in fact absolutely nothing that I can do to alter, add to or anything to God's grace - I just need to receive it! Now try getting your head round that!

Anyway this is my first post and if I remember or really work this out - there may be more!
Nick